Presents Perfect

To Randy Johnson, mullet-coiffed pitcher: a comb-out

To the organizers of Cincinnati's bid for the 2012 Olympics: a night on Fantasy Island

To Tiger woods, the Man: a worthy rival

To Karrie Webb, overlooked legend-to-be: R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

To Mark Cuban, overly excitable team owner: a grip

To Lance Armstrong, conquering hero: the last laugh

To Mike Tyson, fad dieter: some fava beans and a nice Chianti (goes along nicely with a plate of hearts and children)

To Marion Jones, commercial star: a weekly TV series based on her Mrs. Jones character (can you dig it?)

To Andreea Raducan, sniffly gymnast: Vicks VapoRub, chicken soup and a box of Kleenex (but no Sudafed)

To Rulon Gardner, Olympic gold medalist and Greco-Roman celebutante: 15 more minutes