Presents Perfect

To Roger Clemens, tightly wound hurler: Sounds of Nature relaxation tapes

To the Yankees, masters of their domain: slippers (what else do you get the team that has everything?)

To Bud Selig, fretful baseball commissioner: a copy of Revenue Sharing for Dummies

To Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon, genetically gifted couple: ugly, unathletic kids (no, we're not bitter)

To Venus and Serena Williams, righteous sisters: a doubles match against John and Patrick McEnroe

To Alonzo mourning and don nelson: our wishes for a speedy recovery

To Shaquille O'Neal, college graduate: a list of summer internship programs

To Kobe Bryant, high school graduate: Shaq's used textbooks

To the Baha men, who let the dogs out—over and over again: muzzles