Presents Perfect

Sports figures are so hard to shop for. After all, how many sweaters, ties and multiyear contract extensions does one athlete need? Fear not: We've taken it upon ourselves to play Santa to the sports world. Here's our list (we've checked it twice):

To Chris Weinke, old guy on campus: a subscription to Modern Maturity

To Alex Rodriguez freshly minted tycoon: a copy of Quicken financial-management software

To Dennis Miller, prolix sportscaster: Sanka

To Allen Iverson, lyrically impaired rapper: a rhyming dictionary

To Anna Kournikova, tennis vixen: a tournament win (so that we'll no longer feel guilty writing about her)

To Bob Knight, jobless person: a copy of What Color Is Your Parachute?

To the Wizards, woebegone NBA franchise: a time machine (so they can trade their Michael Jordan for MJ circa 1992)

To Keyshawn Johnson, needy receiver: the damned ball

To Fusaichi Pegasus, Kentucky Derby winner: a case of Viagra (hey, with a $150,000 stud fee, we would have performance anxiety too)