What I Did On Vacation....

With an NBA season looking less and less likely, what will become of the league's players—those who haven't already locked up employment overseas or, in the case of Delonte West, at a furniture store? SI asked the satirical seers at the Onion, whose new book of sports reportage, The Ecstasy of Defeat, hit bookshelves on Tuesday, to look into their crystal basketball for answers.

LeBron James

Enters a drag contest as LaBre'sha; comes in second to Dierka, a leggy blonde with an exotic accent.

Amar'e Stoudemire

Starts a lifestyle blog, goes to Fashion Week and generally becomes rather interesting now that he isn't, you know, preoccupied with basketball.

Joakim Noah

Nothin' special. Why do you ask?

Andrei Kirilenko

Financial considerations force the tearful hoopster to play basketball in cold, lawless Russia.

Gilbert Arenas