Kansas vs West Virginia: Player Ratings to the Theme of Cool Musician Nicknames

The game wasn't good buy maybe the ratings will be enjoyable.

On Saturday afternoon, Kansas rolled out the perfect plan to lose a game late. They nailed it, A+ job, couldn’t have done it better if the other team was actually in on the scheme. With that preface, don’t expect high ratings in this one as bitterness is clouding my thought process (and probably yours too as that was as bad a loss as you can get if you’re KU). So, in light of what was a dreadful game outside of the first seven minutes or so, I’ve decided to channel my anger into something positive. I like music, so today’s post is music related.

In Wednesday’s ratings post, we offered up some cool artist names that were actually given to them at birth. Now, we explore the names that people decided to give themselves when they went onstage. Once again, the scientific rationale behind the way we rate the players is below but feel free to skip using the table of contents.

Contents

1. 5 Stars: Sting
2. 4.5 Stars: Lemmy Kilmeister
3. 4 Stars: Lady Gaga
4. 3.5 Stars: Snoop Doggy Dogg
5. 3 Stars: Bono and The Edge
6. 2 Stars: Meat Loaf
7. 1 Star: Buckethead
8. Chris Teahan Memorial No Star:

5 Stars: Out of this world performance. This is a hard to achieve rating and is only reserved for the most impressive or impressionable performances.

4.5 Stars: Very strong performance, packed the stat sheet, provided undeniable intangibles.

4 Stars: A strong performance that falls just short of the standards above.

3.5 Stars: Above average performance, perhaps stands out in one category or one aspect of the game.

3 Stars: Average performance. Also could be a very strong game in one aspect but a very poor game in another such as 15 points but seven turnovers. Could also be that the player played, did their job, but didn't do much spectacularly.

2 Stars: Below average performance, or we simply have higher expectations for the player on this particular night.

1 Star: Rare, but if a player has a stinker in all aspects.

Memorial No Star: Named after former KU walk-on Chris Teahan and is awarded to the player(s) who didn't have enough playing time to contribute or whose performance isn't worthy of a rating for another reason.

5 Stars: Sting

Give me a verb any day.

No chance a five star is being handed out after that debacle.

4.5 Stars: Lemmy Kilmeister

This one almost made our previous list. While Lemmy’s last name really is Kilmeister (how cool is it that Motorhead’s talisman has the name Kilmeister?), his actual first name is Ian. Lemmy is still the baddest of the bad on this list, no doubt about it.

Nope. No one that participated in that game and wore a Kansas uniform should be comparted to metal God Lemmy.

4 Stars: Lady Gaga

Are you telling me that she wasn’t born with this name?

Are you telling me that no one deserved a four star? Yes, yes I am.

3.5 Stars: Snoop Doggy Dogg

Arguably, no one on this list has gotten further on a moniker than Calvin Broadus. And hey, he can shorten it to Snoop, Snoop Dogg, Doggy Dogg, S-N-double O-P, or any other variety of ways. He’s also the only one on this list that constantly name checks himself.

Kevin McCullar was the best Jayhawk on the floor, scoring 24 points on ten of fourteen shooting but that turnover late in the game where he basically made a blind pass to KJ Adams was inexcusable from the senior.

Nick Timberlake had a great first half, nailing two threes and working hard to grab a steal. And that pass to Dajuan Harris? A masterpiece. Only played four minutes in the second stanza and didn’t score.

I don’t really know where to put KJ Adams, so I’m slotting him here. He had his typical energy in this one and that puts him slightly above the rest of the team.

3 Stars: Bono and The Edge

Paul Hewson and David Evans just doesn't have the same ring to it as Bono and The Edge now do they?

Elmarko Jackson only played eight minutes but maybe should’ve had more. He made that key steal at the end that was wrongfully called a foul and the game ended. Should’ve been a hero, but that’s not the way the referees saw it.

Dajaun Harris needs to be better than four points and five assists. He did have five steals which was the highlight of his night.

2 Stars: Meat Loaf

Not intimidating at all. Not sure why you’d name yourself after one of the most despised cafeteria foods out there, but here we are.

What a start for Johnny Furphy but the lack of awareness or intensity in blocking out the free throw shooter costs the Australian dearly in our ratings and Kansas in the game and potentially the Big XII standings. Inexcusable. He got off to a blistering start, but that just can’t overcome how poor he finished.

Sure, West Virginia was making baskets at such a high percentage that there weren’t that many rebounds to grab, but there were a few that basically dropped into Hunter Dickinson’s lap and he was out muscled, out positioned, or out played by a Mountaineer and key Kansas possessions were lost because of it. Nineteen points and five assists is good, but if Hunter had eight rebounds instead of five, Kansas wins this game.

1 Star: Buckethead

Tossing a KFC bucket on your head isn’t good enough to escape the one star on this list.

No one was a one-star.

Chris Teahan Memorial No Star:

Parker Braun played five minutes and Jamari McDowell apparently came in very late in the contest.

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