Dear Opponent: Kansas
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash . . . and I'm all out of bubblegum."
--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Bleeding Kansas,
It is a pleasure to address you. Please allow me to commend two of your most salient qualities: you are, as I understand, assuming my friends and colleagues tell me accurately, in the process of proving yourselves worthy as fellow underfrogs, defying expectations, and winning consistently despite, or perhaps because of, the prognostications of so-called experts who can't be bothered to take a good look at the many virtues of your team; and, more importantly than that, my records tell me you are one of the few schools TCU will play this season that does not owe me money.
I write in peace. It is my intention, as sincerely as possible, to send this epistle of encouragement, as we share many of the same enemies. In frank terms: screw OU, screw UT, and that goes double for Baylor.
That you are one of only two other undefeated teams in the Big 12 brings me nothing but joy, and whoever wins on Saturday, I'm sure we agree that if our first loss must come at the hands of one program, it would be to each other--having said that, please don't hold your breath, as we both know TCU will be flying the end zone purple from start to finish.
Unfortunately, despite my appreciation of your team and its manifold accomplishments, I am tasked with the rather troublesome business of making this letter funny. Which is a pain in the ass, and appropriately, as every joke has a butt at the bottom of it, I'm afraid the wisecracks will have to fall at your cheeky expense.
So. KillerFrogs' very own Tori Couch says that your football team used to be a walking punch line--to quote her verbatim, she added an "lol" after that, presumably just to be cute. At which point she concluded that statement with the following statistics: this is your first ranked team since 2009; since 2010, we Frogs simply assumed playing Kansas would result in a win (have no misgivings when I say we still do); that the most wins you've had in a season since 2009 was 5, at which point you lost 7 in a row; and between 2011 and 2020 you spent more than $23 million on "buy-outs" (whatever those are, but they sound good to me) for 5 coaches, 5 seeming to be as unlucky a number for you as it is the opposite for me. And this current coach, whoever he is, pulling a Patterson out of your blue-and-crimson hat, is not likely to last long. Which is unfortunate.
Of course, it goes without saying, it does not follow that because you sucked so deplorably for ten or more years, you do now. Miracles do happen, even in Kansas. Just ask L. Frank Baum. Clearly you don't suck, and are hungry for more victories. Good luck.
Just not Saturday.
Best,
SI
P.S., I have a lady friend that could use a pair of those ruby slippers as advertised in a movie that made your state famous for something other than 19th century massacres. Got any to spare?
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