Dear Opponent: Nicholls State

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game. This Saturday, TCU will host the Nicholls State Colonels at 7:00 pm

This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.

With love,

T.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR, INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."

--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)

Dear Colonels, 

Sergeant Bilko, i.e., the Sports Ignoramus, reporting here for my weekly duty. I hear we're hosting you this Saturday, so welcome to the Fort, a good place for a colonel or two to reside.  

I reckon you heard about last Saturday's massacre. Well, massacre might not be the word. Perhaps I could simply say we dropped the ball, but more accurately, we gave Colorado the ball, twice, in the end zone, and they didn't.  

So we're coming into Saturday's game after a humiliating loss at home, having stoked the already oversized ego of who shall hereafter be rechristened Coach Prim.

Please don't take exception to the fact that before writing this letter, I knew nothing about your school or team; the same is true of half the members of the Big 12 (a rather unusual name, as there are more than twelve teams, indeed, more than we're going to be tasked with playing this season). But, after a little research, I have found that your school is located in Thibodaux, Louisiana. I don't know anything about Thibodaux; I don't know where it is, or what it means, though I've enjoyed many a meal at Pappadeux, which I assume translates to "two pappas."  Thus, by the same logic, Thibodaux, perhaps, translates to two Thebes. And make no mistake:  a plague of frogs is soon to be upon you. Consider this letter an oracle.  

I've read up on your game. It would appear that you have in your hierarchy of colonels one Quincy Brown, formerly a proud bearer of TCU purple. Well, caring about loyalty, I hate to share the last name of a gentleman who pulled a Benedict Arnold, even if his defection pales in comparison with those who joined the ranks of UT. Nevertheless, from what I've read, Brown's presumed vendetta against TCU may prove troublesome, despite his giving up three interceptions in a game you lost, 38-24, against Sacramento State, those sad Sacs.  

And speaking of sacks, I like them, I enjoy drinking their wine, a la Falstaff, and watching the Frogs perform them against unsuspecting quarterbacks.  

Take my word for it, as an oracle:  Pat McQuaide is going to have his hands full--or empty, as the case may be, after my bud Johnny Hodges sacks him a half dozen times, sacks him all the way to Sacramento. Then again, last weekend, I prophesied we were going to have our mouths full of buffalo prime ribeye before the half and, instead, I gnawed a lot of crow. I can still taste the feathers. Here's to hoping we'll be spitting some kernels around 10 p.m. on Saturday. 

With best regards (and a sincere welcome to our lovely town), 

SI 

P.S., While you visit Fort Worth, I recommend visiting Pappadeux and ordering the crawfish etoufee. It might not be Louisiana, but it goes down well with a margarita. 

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