Dear Opponent: Oklahoma!

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game. This Saturday, TCU will host Oklahoma! at The Carter

© BRYAN TERRY/THE OKLAHOMAN / USA TODAY NETWORK

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash.  And I'm all out of bubblegum."  

--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended)

Dear Sooners, 

I will begin this missive with a point of pride:  I actually know something about you.  As TCU's resident Sports Ignoramus, I have thus far penned relatively polite letters to four teams (Colorado, Tarleton State, BYE, and SMU), only one of which I had heard of prior, and initially, by a mascot misunderstanding, I thought I was addressing my high school.  

But with Oklahoma!, I have done my due diligence, gleaning as much information as my friends and colleagues will allow.  I know, for example, you are soon to leave the Big 12 (or ten, but who's keeping count) for the SEC.  I know you have a former coach, Lincoln Reily, aka TBOW, who is currently at the helm of USC in the Pac-12 soon-to-be Big 10--though how many teams actually compose the Big 10, I have no idea; probably not the ten as advertised.  I know you have a backup quarterback enviably named General Booty--a great favorite among the ladies, no doubt.  I know you have lost three of your last four games against Kansas State University, that you have lost all four of your appearances at the CFP (whatever that may be), and that despite this sterling record, you are supposed to be better than we, as of now, undefeated Horned Frogs. 

For some reason.  

I also know from what your mascot derives.  It would seem you, Oklahoma!, are with the impression that naming your team in honor of a group of avaricious land grabbers, happy at the height of the Gilded Age to usurp Native American territory, is something to be proud of.  Further, even at the time, the Sooners did it illegally.  

Relative to this fact, I would like to recommend a nominal redress:  The Oklahoma! Laters.  I advocate this change not only for politically correct reasons (I have nothing against political correctness and its advocates except its general tendency to sap the fun out of anything and everything) but because it would more accurately capture the essence of your program.  

For it does seem your hopes for victory seem perpetually deferred.  A playoff win?  Later.  An in-conference win?  Later.  Hell, a win against Kansas State?  Much later.  

So you will have to pardon me if I view your reputation as a Big 12 Powerhouse with not a little skepticism.  

To your credit, a majority of my colleagues here at KillerFrogs honestly think you will come to the Carter and defeat us. 

And I think they're on something.  Residue, perhaps, from our time in Colorado.  

No, I will not allow our Frogs' losing as a likelihood because we are, as I insist, the Underfrogs.  We've been undervalued by other conferences, opposing teams, commentators, bookies, and casual aficionados as long as I've been paying attention voluntarily to TCU football.  Every bowl game I attended--those in which I managed to remain conscious--were predicted to end with our defeat.  

None did.

So when you, Oklahoma!, arrive at the Carter, struggling to keep your Sooner Schooner, or whatever, upright upon taking the field, I will sit with arms and legs crossed, confident our Frogs will win the day.  Because there's no avoiding it:  you've shafted us.  You are the central axis upon which the conference carousel revolves--your captain Riley to the Big 10 and you to the SEC.  And if this isn't a motivation for us Underfrogs to dig deep into our inner resources and come out kicking ass, no such motivation exists.  

It is my hope that on Saturday, win or lose, you Sooners may take one last look at Fort Worth with the knowledge that the consummation of your National Championship pipe dream will be forever "Later" rather than "Sooner."  

Best, 

SI 

PS, Relative to your school name, OU, I will gladly accept your offer and consider a $50,000,000 check, payable to KillerFrogs Sports Ignoramus, a reasonable sum to purchase your perfidious exit from the Big 12.  You may forward the said amount, with a letter of apology to every team you've screwed, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107.  Failure to do so will constitute false advertising, and a lawsuit will follow forthwith.  

PPS, The Tori Couch has just informed me that CFP refers to College Football Playoffs, and that of your four defeats, three were to teams in the SEC you hope, later, to compete with.  Doesn't exactly bode well, does it?  

PPPS, Love your musical!   

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