Dear Opponent: Oklahoma State University

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game. This Saturday, TCU will host Oklahoma State at the Carter at 2:30 pm.

© Brett Rojo-USA TODAY Sports

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash.  And I'm all out of bubblegum." 

--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended)

Dear Pokes (or Cowboys, or Cowpokes, whatever),  

I must admit, I'm going to have the damnedest time keeping this PG-rated.  I'm shooting for PG-13.  Between your mascot, who looks like he might have been an authenticity consultant for Boogie Nights, named Pistol Pete (of course), and your rather playful appellation as "Pokes,"--to say nothing of the, shall we say, unorthodox, paddle cheers which seem suggestive of the deepest depths of depravity and perversion--the dirty puns, double entendres, innuendos and sexually-charged signifiers are of such absolute fecundity my pen can hardly jot along the dotted line fast enough, and for this I am grateful.   You have done a good deal of my work for me.  

Having said that, we at TCU like you, evidently.  Relatively speaking.  That is to say, the BFG and Tori Couch believe that you have one of the most beautiful campuses in the United States.  And you're not UT and you're not Baylor.  There's that.  

Nor are you abandoning the Big 12 for the SEC.  Or trying to crowd-bomb us at home.  There is also that.  

This makes us, I suppose, relatively friendly rivals.  

So I shall give respect where, alas, respect is due.  You are also undefeated.  You evidently delivered us quite the shellacking last year in Stillwater (one, I assure you, our boys have not forgotten). You are currently considered the best team in the Big 12.  Though the exact reason why remains obscure.  You see, we have thus far dominated every team to rise against us.  Colorado?  38-13 (And we did that on a second-hand high.)  Tarleton?  59-17.  SMU?  42-34.  Oklahoma?  55-24.  As for BYE, they didn't even dare to take the field.  Sniveling little cowards.  

Let's contrast these scores with your own.  I am Googling them now.  Central Michigan?  58-44.  Arizona State?  34-17.  AR-Pine Bluff (is this a military school?)?  63-7.  Baylor . . . 

Fair enough.  

You're good, I admit.   

But you ain't us.  And on Saturday, you ain't gonna be at home.  There will be no firing of a phallic cannon every time you score.  Nor will you muster a crowd sufficient to overwhelm our guys on the field while you engage in whatever insane orgiastic antics you euphemistically call a "cheer."  

No.  On Saturday you will not be home.  You will be at The Carter.  And it will be our boys on the field, not the Red Raiders, and sure as hell not those Bores from Waco.  I hope you're ready.  We will be.  

Best, 

SI 

P.S., Regarding the name of your mascot, Pistol Pete.  Relative to the fact that is the name of a certain college athlete, however far back in the day, it would appear you have committed a flagrant act of plagiarism.  In lieu of his estate, I will be more than happy to collect all royalties and other pecuniary allowances owed.  You may send a check in the amount of $10,000,000, payable to Sports Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107).   

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