Dear Opponent: SMU

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game. TCU plays SMU Saturday in "Dullass"

© Joe Rondone/The Commercial Appeal / USA TODAY NETWORK

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

"I am here to chew bubblegum and talk trash . . . and I'm all out of bubblegum." 

--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended)

Dear Mustangs, 

If I understand correctly, you are going to be playing TCU this Saturday; under normal circumstances, I would cheer for TCU, without qualification, no matter what, but seeing as I am a graduate of Andrews High School, and possessed of an inveterate love for the underfrog, I would like to offer you a small smidgeon of support.  Now, I must admit, I don't much appreciate our mighty Frogs reduced to playing two cupcakes in a row, an FCS (whatever that may be--I'm immune to acronyms) and now a high school football team.  It's not the best look for TCU.  Having said that, this is a great opportunity for you, and though it is a foregone conclusion you are bound to lose, I can guarantee your team and fans will be treated with nothing but the highest degree of grace, generosity, and decorum . . . 

Here the author is informed by his editor, the Barry Lewis, that the Mustangs in question are, in fact, the SMU--as in, Shaking My Undies--Mustangs.  

Dear Downtrodden In Dullass, 

It is a displeasure to address you.  As you may have guessed from the aborted epistle appended above this less friendly one, I know nothing of your team or football program.  I know only that we supposedly share a rivalry and, as of this year, a head coach.  That must really rankle.  Not unlike a man catching his ex-girlfriend eating face in public with his arch enemy.  Granting that, were the gentleman in question named SMU and the rival Martin Shkreli, the latter would have my sympathies. 

Looking at your stats, I can see your team appears to be playing pretty well, at 2-1.  TCU, of course, is 3-0 (BYE did not even dare to appear on the field) and I have no doubt on Saturday afternoon another number will be added to the first column.  That's what happens when TCU takes the field; we win.  And when you do, horse stables all over the country erupt with the hangdog, depressed neighing of Mustangs indignant at their breed being besmirched by the appropriation of a school so, well, ill-bred.  As would the late noble Queen Elizabeth at learning a brothel had been named in her honor, or Jackie Onassis that she had found her way into a Philip Roth novel, a misfortune that befell Anne Frank in The Ghost Writer, an elegant tragicomedy well worth reading, were you capable.  The Mustang is a glorious creature of infinite beauty and grace, and you are, at best, really bad at bribing. 

As for Sonny Dykes, let's just say the man traded up.  We’re as happy to have him as we are for you to lose him.

With regards,

SI 

P.S., as a representative of Andrews High School, in light of your stealing their much more appropriately elected mascot, I demand you send a check in the amount of $10,000,000 to Ye Old Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107; failure to do so, I fear, will result in a visit by the lady lawyer.

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