Dear Opponent: Tarleton State

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game.

© Joey D. Richards/Abilene Reporter-News / USA TODAY NETWORK

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash . . . and I'm all out of bubblegum."  

--"Rowdy" Rider Piper (slightly amended)

Dear Texans, 

I would like to begin this letter to you fine folks with a whinge--I have no idea what to write.  

First of all, I'm not certain at all how to address you.  Let's take your name, for instance.  Tarleton State Texans.  Forgive me the pedantry, but Tarleton, as far as I'm aware, is not a state; if one were to search each of the venerable fifty alphabetically from Alabama to Wyoming, he would not find Tarleton numbered among them.  But if your name is too inventive on the one hand, it is far from inventive enough on the other, as I am now, whether I like it or not, insulting 30,000,000 some-odd citizens of this fine state rather than the 13,000 or so to whom this missive is actually directed. 

Second, I know nothing about you.  You would not be wrong to find this unsurprising, as, being a self-avowed sports ignoramus, I am admittedly lacking in knowledge on all matters athletically related.  Having said that, I know who Texas is (not to be confused for Texans), who Baylor is (unfortunate, that), who Iowa State, who West Virginia, who A & M (or, the Hitler Youth, as a friend of mine lovingly refers to them).  I'm even familiar, albeit vaguely, with places like Notre Dame (great book, by the way!) and Alabama (great song!).  I'll admit I'm a little confused by Kansas and Kansas State--I only know that one of them owes TCU money for plagiarizing our colors. 

But never in my life have I heard of the Tarleton State Texans. 

What I do know comes on the good authority of the father and the mother.  I miss them, and they were happy to say they will be visiting me in Fort Worth in order to see the game.  When I asked if Tarleton State was any good, the father's response went as follows:  "Ahh . . . no."  The mother, evidently (and correctly) surmising the real question was "who the hell are the Tarleton State Texans" addressed the matter thus:  "It's a little school in Stephenville."  It was then I got down to brass tacks:  "So we'll beat them?"--to which the mother, rarely laconic, responded:  "If we don't we SUCK" (capitals are hers, not mine).  As for the father:  "99% sure."  

So the mother and father think we're going to win.  I look forward to meeting you fine folks Saturday.  While you're in town, I recommend dropping by the Stockyards for a taste of Texas from the old days.  Normally I'd recommend going to Joe T's while you're here, but it's going to be the first home game and overflowing with TCU families, so in lieu of that, you might try Cattleman's.  They serve terrific steaks.  You might also swing by Billy Bob's, the "World's Largest Honky-Tonk."  

I do hope you have a successful season and appreciate your being a good sport about a TCU non-sports writer digging for a laugh--granted at your expense.  

All the best, 

SI 

P.S., I hate to break it to you, but as with Kansas (or Kansas State--I forget which), you have plagiarized our colors and as such, you owe us money.  You can send a check or money order in the amount of $6,000,000 to 550 8th Avenue 76104.  Otherwise, I fear, you will be served by my lawyer, the Anita Morichianti.  

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

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