Dear Opponent: Texas
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Longhairs,
The big game is upon us. You, 6 and 3, are hosting us, 9 and 0, in hopes of handing us our first upset in a season that, frankly, is our best in a decade, and trumps any of yours since 2009. You have in your company our former athletic director and head coach. And you have a team that seems of the backwards persuasion that failure is a virtue and losing a testament to their talent, as demonstrated by your pathetic pride in being beaten by a team that accrued more penalty yards than passing, and that itself almost lost to team that has one conference win to its credit.
Impressive.
It is an interesting (and probably not worthwhile) endeavor to address a group of people devoted to an institution of higher learning who take pride in comparing themselves to cattle. Whether you can read this, and masticate its meanings, or whether you are better left to chew cud, would require a demographic analysis I have neither the time nor inclination to perform. Nevertheless, we still share the same conference, unfortunately for both of us (I've no doubt you will agree), and a few purple spitballs are in order.
Of course, your less-than-stellar performance has not prevented your being ranked, nor your delusion that you deserve to be ranked, nor your being equally deluded that ESPN College GameDay will be in Austin in your honor. That honor, my bovine friends, belongs to us, an undefeated team meeting on the field our legendary erstwhile leader. Were these facts not the case, were we merely the decent team you are and Patterson still our head coach, have no doubt about it: ESPN would be in Oxford, or perhaps NOLA.
UT represents everything most contemptible about college sports. A program with hordes of millions of dollars, and zero sense, that cannot simply buy a win (much less a thrill). A program that despite the fact that it has exactly two Big 12 Championship titles since the conference's inception, and only one since 2009, still believes it merits serious consideration as a major player in college football. You're a bunch of spoiled brats with the impression that the slightest victories (and even losses, for that matter) deserve praise.
Well. In the words of the Old Man: That's for the birds. And it's true. The Jayhawks deserve all the love they get. Not you. You don't. In the most mediocre of all possible worlds you would be subject to nothing but contempt and scorn.
In truth, you are, and have been, a fair to middling team that will not be able to claim that much once you move to the SEC. You're going to suck, hard, and badly. And for a looooooooong time.
And what a look that will be! The great rivalry, Texas and A & M, each 0-11, fighting it out for their one conference win, like the millionaires in Trading Places grappling for Christmas dinner scraps.
Having said that, I'm by no means entirely without appreciation for your smug entitlement, whininess, and arrogance. Speaking as a humorist, you are a gift without cease, as I wrote here, and here, and here, in a happy trilogy I termed, lovingly, "Horns Down, Fingers Up!"
Click on the "here" to enjoy them at length.
Best of luck, and keeping chewing cud.
See you Saturday.
With, you know . . .
SI
P.S., I'm still waiting for that 30 grand. And considering you decided to sink the Big 12, I'll allow you to buy your way out, so long as you send $500,000,000, payable to Sports Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107).
P.P.S., our Fearless Leader, Ryann Zeller, wanted you to hear this: "Why do UT fans wear orange? So they can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunt in it on Sunday, and pick up trash in it on Monday." I don't even want to think about what you're doing in it on Tuesday.
P.P.P.S., Bevo sucks. Shoot him and eat him and crap him out in a field. Put him to use.
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