Dear Opponent: Texas Tech

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game. This Saturday, TCU will host Texas Tech at 11:00 a.m.

© Michael C. Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board

With love, 

T.  

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash.  And I'm all out of bubblegum."  

--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)

Dear Roaches, 

I'm sure you might object to being dismissed as an insect that could easily find its way into a Franz Kafka novella, but it cannot be helped. While I recognize you insist on the moniker "Red Raiders," every time I read anything by a member of the hordes of your fans and alumni, online or elsewhere, I feel the dire need to go in frantic search for a Raid can and broom.  Fortunately, my interpersonal interactions with the Roaches are considerably more limited, and by the fact that these constitute perfectly sensible, intelligent specimens of the human race, I assume them to be closet cases. 

It may be news to you that it is common knowledge among Big 12 aficionados that yours are the worst fans in the Big 12.  Or not.  It is quite possible you enjoy being loathsome, to say nothing of repulsive.  Certainly, every cockroach I have ever attempted to greet underfoot seemed perfectly proud, almost defiant, in its ability to elicit a gag reflex.  

Like cockroaches, you can live anywhere--even Lubbock.  Also, as with cockroaches, you are legion.  The word myriad comes to mind, but I'm afraid the effort of reaching for a dictionary could crack your exoskeletons.  Also, like cockroaches, you won't simply go away--much to the chagrin of virtually everyone residing east of Lubbock in the Big 12.  

Your fanbase shares a unique talent to maintain arrogance in inverse proportion to actual bragging rights.  You have, as yet, beaten exactly two teams in the Big 12-- West Virginia, ranked 9th in the Big 12, and Texas, who could not beat Alabama despite the latter's accruing more penalty yards than passing. 

Meanwhile, North Carolina State squashed you; Kansas State squashed you; Oklahoma State squashed you; Baylor squashed you and set your guts on fire. 

These facts, of course, have not prevented every red-and-black cockroach in the world from spewing the most egregious crap about TCU since Amber Heard made Johnny Depp breakfast in bed. 

Were some kind soul to offer each of you an enema, what remained could be buried in a matchbox.  En masse.  

When it comes to your classlessness I could go on for days before I even mentioned a tortilla.  Unfortunately, this is not the case with your wins, as, with the exception of last year, a hardly rousing 7 and 6, you haven't had a single winning season 2015 (another 7 and 6).  One has to go all the way back to 2008 to find a truly decent Texas Tech team, and even then, I doubt decency could be counted among your virtues.

I guess the rest of the time, the best you can do is bristle with rage and envy and hope to beat the occasional better team that gets arrogant.  Which won't be us. 

Oscar Wilde (the flamboyant Irish writer, not the American hotdog) once said “Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Saturday afternoon, after we squash you a fifth time, and send you back on your way to Lubbock, we will be a very happy city indeed. 

Save the tortillas; feed a cockroach. 

Best, 

SI 

P.S., relative to the fact that Raider Red is an obvious (and shameless) appropriation of Yosemite Sam, on behalf of Six Flags Over Texas in Arlington, and Warner Bros., I am going to have to demand that you send a $3,000,000 check, payable to Sports Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107).  

P.P.S., though it does go without saying yours is the worst fanbase in the Big 12, even here your achievement leaves much to be desired.  In the event you would like truly to master snark, obnoxiousness, disagreeableness, and stupidity, I recommend spending some time studying the work of the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.  Be warned:  they bite.  Fortunately, for all of us, they're all gum. 

P.P.P.S., there is at least one great thing to come out of Lubbock.  Terry Allen's "Lubbock On Everything" is, arguably, the greatest country album of all time, and easily one of my 25 favorites in any genre.  Of particular interest is the song "A Truckload Of Art," which happily suggests that, even in Lubbock, magisterial works of art exist.  Plot twist:  they burn.  

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