The Screwed Tape Letters: Et Tu, Gary?!

Dear Coach Patterson,
I am writing you today with the deepest respect and apologize in advance that, this being a humorous piece, some few words may be interpreted loosely (or correctly--whatever works!) at your expense.
The first and primary joke upon which this article will stand or fall requires no creativity on my part; all I have to do is state the fact: you have left TCU, the Frogs to whom you devoted twenty years of your prime to successes most coaches merely dream of, for an assistant job at the University of Texas, now, in 2022. Pardon me if I suggest that is hilarious.
Let me establish first that you are my favorite coach in the world. In fact, you are one of only five or six coaches I know by both forename and patronymic--this places you in such august company as Tom Landry, Bill Parcells, Joe Paterno (maybe not for the right reasons), Art Briles (ditto), and some other guy, I forget what he's called. You will probably always be my favorite coach. The first article I authored for KillerFrogs was dedicated to the days of your glory, and that glory was far from unearned, unappreciated, or unsung--unbelievable though it was.
I would also like to voice a note, however slight, of solidarity with your position. One does not impeach Lincoln; he does not relieve Eisenhower of command; he does not reject John Lennon from a record label; he doesn't replace Tom Landry, and he doesn't fire the legendary Gary Patterson without being suspected of serious hubris. On that, I am on your side, and always will be, I don't care how many losing seasons there are or were, or how bad. You performed miracles, and if you could do it once, you could have done it again.
That being said, I have one serious question that I hope we in Frogdom could have addressed:
UT?
I mean, to quote Uncle Joe: come on, man! Was Baylor unavailable?
Coach, you were the man of the hour, the representative of the underdog, the designer of a tapestry of dreams, which somehow came true in real time.
And you're joining forces, as an assistant (for Christ's sake!) with UT?!
I understand, there are loyalties to be considered with Del Conte (whoever that is--apologies to Rema), not to mention a steady paycheck, and no doubt the satisfaction of sticking it to the people who stuck it to you. I get that.
But UT?
I mean, Tech, Kansas, Iowa State, the whole SEC, hell, Alabama and Georgia (who cares?)
But UT?
Joining forces with UT is like shacking up with the wicked stepmother, after her daughter dumps you, because you like her checkbook and a good vindictive photo op. It's like Pope Leo leaving Rome, barbarians at the door, and saying "Screw it. In you go, Attila!" It's like George Washington turning Red Coat because George III offered a happy payday or Chief Joseph turning Blue Coat because Grant promised a cozy reservation.
This is a team that successfully decimated one conference, and attempted to do likewise to another, one for which you struggled and for which you will be remembered.
Coach Patterson, you've pulled an Anakin on us. But even Darth Vader had good fashion sense--or, at least, better than that burnt orange atrocity that renders anyone who wears it the victim of Auto da Fe.
UT? Even I know one thing about UT: they suck, right now, in every possible way they possibly could. And I, admittedly, don't know anything.
I would like to end on a conciliatory note. History is fact, and what you achieved you achieved, and nothing and no one can gainsay that, or deny it, without being a fool. You're my favorite coach. Always will be.
Anyway, keep Austin weird, Gary.
Sincerely,
T.
PS., When in public, I'd go with the white-dominant over the orange; that's the ugliest thing I've seen in my life--and I've been to Waco!

Want to join the discussion? Click here to become a member of the Killer Frogs message board community today!
Follow KillerFrogs on Twitter to stay up to date on all the latest TCU news! Follow KillerFrogs on Facebook and Instagram as well. Download the KillerFrogs app on Google Play or in the Apple App Store.
Visit the Longhorns Country site, another FanNation site, to see what they are saying about the upcoming game with TCU.