The Screwed Tape Letters: Screwing Up

A public letter to ESPN--by a Sports Ignoramus

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

To Whom It May Concern, 

Stephen A. Smith and Paul Finebaum?  Those guys gotta go.  

It is perfectly clear to millions of viewers who happen not to reside in Tennessee, Georgia, Michigan, and, of course, Alabama, they have no idea what the hell they are talking about.  

I don't either. 

That's why I'm offering my services as your preeminent Sports Ignoramus, as I not only consistently prove myself dumb in all things sports-related, but consider it a profession.  You see, screwing up is like screwing around:  it's best done deliberately, whereby everyone else gets to find out.  

It is clear by the evidence that Mr. Smith and Mr. Finebaum do not understand this.  They are incompetent, and worse, sincere about it, and they have Big 12 fans everywhere apoplectic.  

For instance, Mr. Smith, in denying undefeated TCU's claim to a position in the College Football Playoffs stated, idiotically:  "Competition matters" (evidently, for ESPN, competence does not).  Any Horned Frog fan at random could alert Mr. Smith to the fact that TCU has played, and beaten, more ranked teams than any of the teams currently ranked ahead of them.  Further, of their eleven games, six were on the road.  There is what logicians call an a fortiori proof:  if one premise prove true, how much more must another.  By averring TCU does not merit a place in the College Football Playoffs, despite an undefeated season, Mr. Smith is not only insulting TCU, but necessarily and even more so, virtually every team in the Big 12.  9.3 million people watched the Horned Frogs' last two games, most of them presumably concerned with the fate of the Big 12, if not TCU specifically.  That's a lot of people to anger.  And to do it with so little regard for actual fact is what I call a screw up.   

But you see, I would not make that kind of mistake.  I am perfectly happy to tick off 9.3 million and more, starting no doubt with you.  But I'm a satirist.  That's my job.  And as long as more leave laughing than swearing, I've done it well, a different and infinitely preferable kind of "screwing up."  

As for Paul Finebaum, I didn't know who he was until two days ago.  And I don't like him.  For one thing, he says, rather openly:  "They have Iowa State and a Big 12 Championship that none of us are going to be watching very closely . . ."  Last week, however, he said Baylor would have TCU on upset alert "because they were a dangerous team at home." 

But by his own admission, how could he know?   

And judging by the facts he didn't.  Baylor had gone 0-2 at home against ranked opponents (before TCU) and were thrashed, 31-3, by Kansas State in Waco.  

Now you'll have to forgive my ignorance.  I'm new to this and, admittedly, don't know anything.  But is it not the job of a sports analyst to at least pretend to watch the games?  Or is that a small technicality that merits all their pay while putting the screws to millions of would-be viewers?  Eventually, some of these folks, or more likely a lot, are going to be smart enough to turn the television off or find another channel where they aren't insulted. 

But I watch the games I write about.  Granted, I don't understand them.  Nor do I pretend to.  I only know TCU wins, and there, I'm always right.  

So which would you prefer?  An ignoramus who is always right and funny?  Or an ignoramus who is always wrong and annoying?  

Further, my favorite sports analyst, "Cyclone Larry", pointed out that though ESPN's SOR metric has TCU ranked Number One (followed by, in order, Georgia, Ohio State, and Michigan), "not a single ESPN employee is aware of this."  

I, however, am.  

And I need the money.  You need the ignoramus.  

When you have prepared a contract, you can contact me at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107).  

Best, 

SI

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