The Screwed Tape Letters: Pass The Defibrillator, Please

A public letter to the TCU Horned Frog Football team begging them to have mercy on their fans--by a Sports Ignoramus

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

Guys, 

I can't take this anymore.  

Were it not for the tinkling of keys as my fingers dance along their polished board, I would be certain I was dead, cut down by a coronary thrombosis five hours before.  

It is not lost on me none of you likely have any idea who I am.  Nevertheless, hear me out. I'm pretty sure I speak for all of Frogdom when I say:  we love you, thank you for winning, congratulations.  But for God's sake, stop cutting it so close.  You're gonna get us all scalped.  

It would be an understatement to say you have played with fire this season.  You have cradled it, tossed it, twirled it, run through it, breathed it, and spat it.  And, man, I'm new to this.  And I'm pushing forty.  I would like to see that, forty.  It would be a great year.  A sweet year.  A living year.  But, dear gentlemen, honored Horned Frogs, friends, I'm not going to make it to my birthday next month if this continues.  I'll wind up in prison, a mental institution, or the morgue, and in the former two situations, they won't even let me wear purple.  

Gentlemen, there is a delicate balance to be maintained between a dreamer’s pyrrhic victory and a tragedian’s fatal disaster, and I fear you’re eventually going to fall on the wrong side of that divide.

The season had a great beginning.  Look at these scores.  The beautiful clear-cut dominant scores.  Against Colorado:  38-13.  Against Tarleton:  59-17.  SMU . . . not quite as good; we'll ignore that one. Oklahoma:  55-24.  Then Oklahoma State showed up and you presumably took their orange as an offer to dance on coals.  And, with few exceptions, every game has followed a predictable pattern:  we worried to Doomsday that the whole damn world is going to explode, while you daintily dance into the end zone, or lodge a ball between two golden posts, for the win.   

And I like it.  I want to see more of it.  And that means I have to survive in order for that to happen. 

But let's take a moment to celebrate your incredible, miraculous, what I am told is a "walk off"--though, to my ignorant eyes, "run off" would seem more apt. 

You are the darlings of the online world.  Twitter, for once, was made bearable, as commentators everywhere offered paeans in your honor.  For instance, there was this one dude, somebody named Dez Bryant, apparently important judging by his 3.5 million followers as against my 47, who wrote:  "Baylor was ready to storm the field.  TCU KICKER like naw sit yall ass in them stands."  Then he continued:  "TCU CFP bound.  I'm rocking with the underdogs."  (I keep telling this strange gentleman it should be UnderFrog, but he seems little inclined to listen).  

Then some other dude:  "That last second hurry up field goal execution by TCU was the best I've ever seen in college.  There are NFL teams who can't do it that well."  

Meanwhile, this dumb buck (insert necessary rhyme here) said:  "TCU might be the worst 11-0 team I've ever seen."  

And that's Twitter for you.  Still a hellhole.

I know that were you to have defeated every opponent by 50, it would be seen by many, not least of all the College Football Playoff Committee, and jerks like the one I previously mentioned, not as a testament to your greatness but the worthlessness of your opponents.  So I'm not asking you to beat Iowa State as badly as possible, nor whomever you play in the Big 12 Championship as badly as possible, nor whomever after that as badly as possible, simply to silence the haters.  I am asking you to destroy them so that next season there is still a Horned Frog audience alive to see you win.  

And I would like to be one of them. 

And I'm low on aloe.  

Best, 

SI 

P.S., Captain Herbie got a game prediction right for once.  How about that?  Might need to check the clock in the Carter when you get back.  

P.P.S., You have a big game coming up against Iowa State.  I owe them a letter on Thursday.  I'm going to make them an offer they can't refuse.  So just show up.  I'll take care of the rest.  

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