The Screwed Tape Letters: Reffing It

A public letter to every public football official who ever lived--by a Sports Ignoramus

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

Dear Pin-Stripe Pinheads, 

I would like you to read this before we begin:  "I hate every football referee who ever lived."  

Now, that I have your attention, and assuming I will keep it, that was a tweet I sent out into the unread ether at the end of the Kansas State game, the Big 12 Championship game, an embarrassment from which neither of us have recovered. 

Yes, it's over a week later. 

And yes, I'm still pissed.  As an Irishman on the eve of St Paddy's at an English pub in Fort Worth, Texas 76107.  

It is my intention to express my loathing for all of you--yes, all of you--in the harshest possible terms that don't get me accused of inciting violence.  In all honesty, I hope no harm comes to you beyond universal cancellation starting immediately upon the publication of this missive.  

Now:  what the hell is wrong with you?  

I thought, over the course of the last year, I had made it clear in my joining this community of trash-talkers and footballers that there was this thing, a fundamental principle, appreciable by faith, pure reason, emotive sentiment, and poetic inspiration:  "The Purple Rule."  In other words, all living, breathing, human beings not only should be able to understand this imperative, but, indeed, the imperative is pre-established in their individual psyches.  The dictates of the Purple Rule are simple, and there are two formulations:  

1.  If the other team does it, it's a penalty; if TCU does it, it ain't.  

2.  When in doubt as to whether TCU scored, the answer is always:  Yes! 

I'm afraid that on that fateful day, December 3, 2022, you proved negligent in your obeisance to both.  

Indeed, as for the first formulation, it would seem that you had the rule perfectly inverted.  It was quite clear, to all who were watching, that any time Max Duggan threw a pass, Kansas State's defensive strategy amounted to grabbing our receivers' arms, if not downright holding them.  I don't know how many pass interference penalties you called, but for every one you did, there were three (or more) you should.  Meanwhile, our guy, who didn't so much as whistle at the Kansas State guy nevertheless got an offensive pass interference called on him after a touchdown. 

Whose butt were your eyes buried in when you called that?  

As for the second formulation, I have to write slowly and trepidatiously, as I'm afraid my PTSD will set in.  For one thing, I don't know what your idea of an inch is.  But I was at the top of AT&T Stadium, one of the largest arenas in the world, and I could see from where I was standing, sweating, dying, praying, that you did not set the ball down where Max left it.  It was at least a foot off.  Never mind that.  Then Miller gets into the end zone, clearly, there is footage to prove it, and you still didn't call a touchdown.  Further, it didn't even strike you bloviating, blundering, brainless, mindless, feckless, wasteful, spiteful, dreadful, incompetent, insentient, asinine, supine, bovine, bromine, cross-eyed, wall-eyed, stye-eyed, half-assed, quarter-pounded, hole-headed, wild-paid, cat-bought, unscrupulous, pompous, bulbous, blind-bat asshats to review what you in your incredible arrogance dare to call a call, we won that game, you say touchdown we shut them down a field goal is three less than six and even I know that.  

Sigh.

I'll be generous.  

It is quite possible, and I understand, believe me, you had the uniforms confused.  Indeed, when TCU played Tarleton and Kansas State, during both games, I could hardly tell the difference between us and them, and it is for this reason alone I am not calling for a general and immediate investigation to find out which Wildcat bought you off (that, and as we all know, the Kansas State Wildcats couldn't afford it in the first place, which no doubt accounts for why I have yet to receive a check for their stealing our colors). 

So, I'm willing to grant that you tried to obey The Purple Rule, and you just got confused.  I get that.  

But Michigan isn't going to be wearing purple.  The Purple Rule applies. 

Remember, for God's sake, the last time I'm telling you this:  If the opposing team does it, it's a penalty; if TCU does it, it ain't. 

And that's the bottom line. 

With, you know, 

SI 

P.S., Whatever Kansas paid you, The Barry Lewis will double.  I take half.  Obviously, we’re both in it for the money.

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