SI Dialogues: Baylor Hate Year

A gentle reminder that Baylor sucks every week--by a Sports Ignoramus

After my sixth drink at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107 (please no direct correspondence; all mail will be summarily returned), the Barry Lewis decided it was a good time to read me my latest fan mail from the Horned Frog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.  

"'You're an idiot,' this one says."  

"She's been talking to my ex." 

"Gary built the Program (capital P is hers) that now exists!  The spoiled brat Seniors, Juniors, and Sophomores (capitals S, J, and S hers) . . ."

"She really likes those."  

" . . . were all signed by Gary.  They chose Not (capital N hers) to play last year . . . They also chose to play for Dykes or ANY (all caps) . . ."

"Hers, no doubt." 

"Hers . . . replacement coach TCU brought in.  Until those players are ALL (caps hers) gone, it is still Coach P's team." 

"Barry, could you do me a favor and read me the fan mail from people who actually bother to read the articles?"  

"Well, I think you got her attention by the title." 

"I could have called it 'In Praise of Patterson.'  But that would have been lame and she wouldn't have read that one either.  What else do you have?" 

"This kind man describes you as a 'literary monkey scheissing a football.'" 

"Well, that's vivid.  Scheiss?  Is he German?"  

"I don't think so."  

"Poor bastard thinks he's Goethe.  Anyway, I've never crapped a football in my life." 

"I don't think he's referring to that."  

"What do you mean?  Scheiss is German for excrement."

"I think the man is with the impression to "scheiss" is to engage in certain relations with." 

"Then he speaks German as well as he reads English."

"That's no way to talk about your fans." 

"Anyhow, I've never screwed a football either.  Guy doesn't know scheiss." 

I looked at Barry and he at me. 

"That all?" 

"There's more, but I suspect if I keep reading I'll get a beer in my face." 

"Not a bad assumption.  Now you're smiling.  What?" 

"It's a good day."  

"And a bad night.  What?" 

"You should be thrilled." 

"What?" 

"It's the beginning of Baylor Hate Week." 

"Every week is Baylor Hate Week, Barry.  To designate a Baylor Hate Week makes as much sense as designating a remember-Hitler-was-a-schmuck memorial day."  

"Ah, but we're going to be playing them Saturday.  That means the whole week is devoted to Horned Frogs everywhere proclaiming their hatred of Baylor in a unified voice." 

"A noble pastime."  

"And Baylor got beat Saturday.  Badly." 

"How badly?" 

"31-3." 

"And to which team do I owe the honor of extending my gratitude?" 

"Kansas State."  

"The Mild Pussies?  I knew they had it in them.  This is wonderful news."  

"That's another thing.  They're not called the Mild Pussies.  They're the Wildcats."  

"I fail to recognize the difference." 

"Anyhow, that means that Baylor, who began the season ranked Number One in the Big 12 . . ." 

"What idiot gave them that distinction?" 

Barry sighed.

"You're going to say Kirk Herbstreit aren't you?"   

"We did." 

"The hell we did!  I've ranked them dead last in everything since forever in everything."  

"I mean KillerFrogs.  Everyone . . ." 

"Everyone."  

". . . except you . . ."

"Better."  

". . . thought Baylor was going to perform well this season.  As it turns out, they lost to BYU, they lost to West Virginia, they lost to Oklahoma State and now to Kansas State."  

"And it takes a sports ignoramus to remind you of what you should have known all along.  You perfidious . . ." 

"And now we're going to beat them on Saturday." 

"Glad you caught up."  

"They'll be 6 and 5.  Might barely end up having a winning season." 

"I dearly love to hear it."

"So I need your score projections.  How badly are we going to beat them?" 

"We can take a rag, mop up all the tears in Waco, and clean Schollmaier Arena with them."

"Your predictions, please." 

"I predict TCU wins.  88 . . ." 

"That's good." 

" . . . to -4."  

"What?" 

"I said -4."  

"There are no negative scores in football."  

"So much the worse for football." 

"Can I get a real score?"  

"That is a real score.  According to the highest conceptual theories in mathematics and science.  -4 is a real number, ask any mathematician.  Therefore, -4, in a system that allows real numbers, is a real score."  

"Well, I can guarantee you're not going to win the score prediction game this week." 

"How many times do I have to tell you?  I win every time.  It's the score board that's wrong."  

"Anything else?  Anything you'd like us to report to your myriad fans out there?" 

"Yes.  Baylor sucks every day, and every week, and every year.  They suck and they blow and they do both so effectively they could just as well call themselves the Cyclones."  

"Then they'd be Iowa State." 

"Who?" 

"No one.  It doesn't matter." 

"Every week is Baylor Hate Week."  

"I could not agree more.  It sucks to BU."

"Especially when reading fan mail."   

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