TCU Football - Dear Opponent: Red Raiders Lite

Every week, KillerFrogs writes a heartfelt letter to their football opponent. This week the Frogs will be hosting the Oklahoma State Cowboys at the Carter, and On SI's SI is here for the roast along with his good friend, Texas Tech alum, Alex Krus

Pistol Pete is pictured during the Spirit Walk before the college football game between the Oklahoma State Cowboys and South Dakota State Jackrabbits at Boone Pickens Stadium in Stillwater, Okla., Saturday, Aug., 31, 2024. / SARAH PHIPPS/THE OKLAHOMAN / USA TODAY NETWORK

Dear Red Raiders-Lite

I address you thus on the wisdom of my friend, Alex Krus, a Texas Tech alumnus. Engaged with him in a delightful spat of discourse, during which he read my article predating TCU and Tech's bout at the Carter, each paragraph of which elicited from the good man an indignant "How dare you!" I pointed out how many teams Tech considers a rival, not least of which included Arkansas, which I couldn't quite understand (naturally, I found all relevant information via Wikipedia). He was quick to respond "Forget Arkansas, nobody cares about Arkansas, you want Oklahoma State. We HATE Oklahoma State."

Forgive me, Alex, for exposing you as a collaborator with the enemy, but it really can't be helped, can it, and anyhow, as I established in that missive, you Red Haters really shouldn't take these rivalries so seriously.

So, on that note, I'll let Alex say the rest:

Dear Red Raiders Lite,

I hate your school. I hate your mascot. I hate your name. I hate your colors. I really hate your football team, and I even hate your hometown, Stillwater. And you know why, you sorry little plagiarists. Everything you take pride in, you stole from us. Everything. Which is why I hate your town. Everyone knows that Sweetwater is like a mini-Lubbock in West Texas, and there you go, setting your establishment in a podunk town, and you can't even be bothered to get the name right. It's Sweetwater, not Stillwater, you dopes.

So I speak on behalf of over 220,000 Red Raider alumni (and, the Sports Ignoramus tells me, some 12,000 Horned Frog alumni--you loser!) when I say: figure something else out. And we'll start with that "guns up." Take one from the Horned Frogs. The first and middle fingers are raised, and you don't even have to bother with bending them. Then you can be the Peaceniks, and you'd be original for once. And that would also eliminate confusion between our two names--since a Cowboy is a rider and if you give him a gun, a raider, and you don't make the cut. Sorry.

You need a new mascot. We have Raider Red, a glorious, though I'll grant, diminutive double-gunned outlaw sporting a broad hat and mustache, and you have, what, Pistol Pete. Let me make a suggestion: grow him a beard. He'll look less like a pedo in that case. Give him shaggy hair and a full-body gown and throw in a headband and beads and moccasins, and maybe some sunglasses like John Lennon and you can call him Peacenik Paul.

You need a new school song. May I recommend "Hey Jude?" Or perhaps "Spirit In The Sky?"

You need new colors. The orange is just too close to red, from which it derives. I'd go with white and a light blue, or pink, or yellow. Orange is ugly anyway.

You need a new town. I recommend Norman.

Of course, you don't have to follow this exact script of changes. But for your own sake you should try something new in the suggested areas. Otherwise, you'll always be Red Raider Lite.

Best of luck,

Alex Krus

Full disclaimer: Alex Krus was not the actual author of this piece. The only contribution the good man made to the above-written article was the phrase "how dare you." Nevertheless, the above is as close as I can get to the letter I think Mr. Krus would have written, had he the opportunity. Probably would have been more swearing.

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