TCU Football: Dear Opponent - Roughing The Refs In Kansas

Every week, KillerFrogs writes a heartfelt letter to their football opponent. This week, the Frogs will be visiting Kansas City to play Kansas in, naturally, Missouri, and On Si's SI suspects foul play.

Kansas Jayhawks running back Devin Neal (4), right, pats Kansas Jayhawks wide receiver Doug Emilien (5) s helmet after Neal (4) scores a touchdown during the NCAA college football game between the Cincinnati Bearcats and Kansas Jayhawks on Saturday, Nov. 25, 2023, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. This is the Bearcats last game of the season, as well as their Senior Night Saturday. / Carter Skaggs/The Enquirer / USA TODAY NETWORK

Dear Missourians,

Greetings from Texas. My addressing you is not entirely ironic in nature, as yours is one of the few football teams in the Big 12 or anywhere, not TCU, which I don't entirely despise. I've been re-reading Dante lately, and I like his sense of geography--nothing like crafting a narrative to take revenge on your enemies, so meticulous in its construction, you could make a complete map of Hell and know exactly where everyone therein resides, the most conspicuous of which, of course, being the ones who offended the author. I'm happy to report your school would reside around Limbo. It goes without saying you will never be TCU, and thus the gates of greatness, even Purgatory, lie beyond your domain. But I'm happy to count you among the "virtuous pagans," those of good will and fruitful labor who just got screwed by circumstance of not being us (I dearly hope you can see what a compliment this is).

Having said that, I've a special place in Hell reserved specifically for one kind of person--not a team, not a particular individual, but an entire profession. And that profession goes by a name: college football official. I despise them. All of them. The whole rotten lot. I refer to them as pinstriped pinheads, and I fear that flatters them. These people are, and always have been, always have been, I repeat always have been, hell-bent on making TCU fight tooth and nail for every yard, indeed, every inch we can gain--this, when they aren't giving yards to our opponent's defense like colorblind Santas passing out candy.

Consider last Saturday. I believe in putting my money where my mouth is. For that reason, I had my own hard-earned money going on TCU besting SMU 95 to 0. That I only have ten cents to my name is totally beside the point. Principles are principles, as college football officials should recognize, and the moment we abandon them, mere anarchy will be loose upon the world (in fairness, I would prefer anarchy, as chaos is eminently preferable to an authoritarian regime colluding against you). I mean, these guys did so poorly they stirred our coach, our Sunny-side-up Sonny Dikes, as nice a man as resides in Fort Worth, into such a rage, they had to bar him from the game. Obviously, this constituted a base violation of due process. If a man can't question the validity of an official's call, democratic principles, nay, Democracy itself, is done for. Now, if he happens to use some choice words that might fit into a Soprano's episode, that just goes to show that the officials had better not screw up in the first place.

This is where you come in. You see, I was with the impression that, you being in Kansas, we would be playing, naturally enough, in Kansas--alas, the sheer illogic of college football never fails to astound. It was The Barry Lewis who alerted me we would end up playing in some place called Arrowhead Stadium in, of all places, Kansas City, Missouri.

A few things: it was my understanding, having spoken with a few people from Kansas, that the sparse populace of that venerable state despises Missouri, not simply the part of Kansas City that happens to lie over the river, but the whole state. Which begs the question, why will we be going to a place called Arrowhead Stadium to play the Kansas Jayhawks in the Kansas City Chiefs' stadium in Missouri? This reeks of foul play--or fowl play, in your Jayhawkian lingo.

So I'll ask you directly: have you bought this weekend's pinheads? Are our boys walking into a trap, a snare, a conspiracy, a collusion brought on by Kansas and Missouri in a temporary armistice for Kansas City to put the shame to our mighty Horned Frogs? I'm going to be watching this game with a fervid eye. And if those refs behave with anything like the pompous ignobility of last week, you will be hearing from my lawyer.

And you'll find yourself in a much deeper pit of Hell, I assure you.

Best of luck,

SI

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