TCU Football: Dear Opponent - UCF Knights

Every week, KillerFrogs writes a heartfelt letter to their football opponent. This week the Frogs welcome the Knights to Fort Worth.

Sep 7, 2024; Fort Worth, Texas, USA; TCU Horned Frogs wide receiver Blake Nowell (87) cannot catch a pass while defended by Long Island Sharks defensive back Nate Wyatt (7) in the second half at Amon G. Carter Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Tim Heitman-Imagn Images / Tim Heitman-Imagn Images

Dear Nights,

Welcome back to what I'm told is your second season with the Big 16 (though I recognize the official title is Big 12, seeing as there are now 16 teams, common sense would dictate, and logic demand, a necessary revision.  But that would presuppose college football might be influenced by such trivialities as common sense and/or logic, a presupposition any casual observer would immediately label false).

Having said that, I must admit that despite your joining last year, I don't remember you at all. In fairness, that might not entirely be your fault. For a TCU fan, last season was three months of chronic amnesia--the most forgettable in sports history, comparable only to a ninety-day bout with long COVID.

So please allow me to re-introduce myself.  I call myself SI’s SI, On SI's very own Sports Ignoramus. My job, simple in theory, excruciating in execution, is to expound on all kinds of topics as they relate to sport, college sport in particular, having no idea at any time, in any way, what the hell I’m talking about.  It is my practice to speak confidently, gloatingly brazen in the certitude of my opinions, with little to no consideration of the possibility I might be mistaken.  I make prognostications, deliver didactic lectures, judgmentally determine who’s good (TCU, always TCU), who’s bad (virtually everyone else—but especially Baylor), and what needs to happen in order to save the very institution, if not soul, of college football (simple, get money out of it).  I am, in other words, a satirist. 

And, it goes without saying, I am like every other sports commentator working, whether Finebaum or Herbstreit or Mac Engel (who to his credit, at least tries to be funny, and never, ever succeeds) or the many other I’ve no doubt heard of but cannot name—with the slight double distinction of my being aware of and honest about the fact I know nothing, and I make much less money.  As I say, I’m a satirist. 

So to you.  The Nights.  What a name.  I’ll admit before writing this article, prompted by my ceaseless tormentor, The Barry Lewis, I did not know who we were playing, and when I Googled to find out, I had no idea who UCF was (believe me, the chronic amnesia of last season is real). The possibilities were limitless:  University of Connecticut in Fairfield; University of Colorado in Fairplay; University of California Football.  Evidently, you hail from Central Florida, a great place I’m certain, having been to Destin on occasion, and it makes sense you would call yourselves the Nights, as one of my favorite memories from my youth was reading Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s Frankenstein and Bram Stoker’s Dracula by the light of the full moon sprinkled in silver splinters across the gathering waves of the Gulf of Mexico.  The nights in Florida are truly magical, and it is to your credit you named yourselves in honor of such a splendid phenomenon. 

I see you, like TCU, have won your first two games.  Having said that, of the four teams we have collectively played, I’ve only heard of Stanford, and one thing I know about Stanford is there’s no way, considering their academic reputation, they’re good at football.  As for Long Island, I didn’t know people played football in Long Island, and to all appearances from last Saturday, they don’t.

So it would seem that you are our first challenge of the season, as we are yours.  Fortunately, I like newcomers, they share the sweaty scent of the underdog (it is no accident we at TCU call ourselves the Underfrogs), laboring arduously for every advantage they can claim.  That puts you in the very select company—including Kansas, West-By-God-Virginia, and Houston—who, while still bad, not being TCU, are not to be condemned to the central pits of the Inferno—see Kansas State, Oklahoma State, and most of all, Baylor. 

So I look forward to a night of friendly competition with you.  I hope you enjoy your stay and that you can read this missive with as little a headache as is reasonable.

Best of luck,

SI  

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