SI Dialogues: The Soothsayer

A prophecy of TCU's fortunes for the rest of this season--by a sports ignoramus

© Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

"How's your friend Tyler Brown doing?" I asked, sarcastically, upon being contacted by The Barry Lewis for yet another article, which, by all accounts, would entertain no one, not so much crack a smile, much less a laugh, on the face of anyone so unfortunate as to look upon its characters, and would be sent out into the ether of the fewer than 30 people who follow me on Twitter, the poor unfortunate fools, with a nice pithy statement attached, reading something along the lines of:  "Twitter's a cesspool and here's one more to add to the pile."  

"Still dead," Barry, of no hyperbolic tendencies, replied.  

"More's the pity." 

"So, SI, I have good news." 

"Why am I frightened?" 

"TCU has won virtually every game you called.  We are 5 and 0."  

"6 and 0." 

"We beat Colorado, Tarleton, SMU, OU, which you, of all people, somehow predicted, and Kansas."  

"You forget BYE, Barry.  We beat BYE."  

"We're 5 and 0.  You predicted we would beat OU.  Badly.  And we did.  I want to know how you did it."  

"Simple."  

"What's that?  What abstruse knowledge have you uncovered that only three others on the team could summon?"  

"Faith." 

"Faith?"   

"Yes, Barry.  Faith.  Which you would know about were you to have read the article you commissioned by me on the 23rd of May this year, 'Anselm's Apologist.'"  

"We want to know if TCU will beat OSU." 

"Of course."  

"By what score?" 

"56 to nothing." 

"How confident are you on that?" 

"As confident as I am talking to the Barry Lewis as I speak."  

"Bet money on it?"  

"If I had a cent to my name, yes.  But I'll bet more.  A whole half-pint of Guinness at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107."  

"What about Baylor?" 

"We'll beat them too." 

"Kansas State?"

"Who did we beat last Saturday?"  

"We beat Kansas."  

"What's the difference?" 

"State." 

"Kansas is a state."  

"You're going to put me in an early grave." 

"I was with the impression I already did." 

"What about UT?" 

"We'll slaughter them." 

"Iowa State?" 

"Look, Barry, we're going to beat all of them.  Fair and square.  And then we're going to go to a bowl, probably not the one we deserve, and whoever we play there, we're going to beat them too." 

"And what if you're wrong?" 

"A man of faith is never wrong.  He is perfectly right.  It's reality that's wrong." 

"And you're willing to bet on this?  You do understand that people actually make money guessing who wins college football games.  Some make quite a bit."  

"Here's my bet.  TCU wins.  If I'm right, I'll take a couple grand.  If I'm wrong, failure to collect would be appreciated."  

"At least you put your money where your mouth is."  

"Had I the money to put it.  But the mouth is doing perfectly fine, as you can tell."  

"So TCU wins, always, no matter what."  

"Correct.  And if we don't, we still won.  It's the score board that's wrong."  

"Any other advice to Horned Frog fans everywhere?" 

"Aside from keeping the faith?" 

"Yes." 

"Never read the KillerFrogs Fan Forum Board after midnight."  

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