Big 12 Football: Let Them Eat Cake--Two Grand Worth

A humorous WTH?! response to UT's reported $280,000 expenditure on Arch Manning

© BRIANA SANCHEZ/AMERICAN-STATESMAN / USA TODAY NETWORK

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

It was The Derek Lytle's fault.  He called to deliver the good news; my fan club had grown--by two people.  

Of particular interest to Mr. Lytle was a particular reader, named Archie, also a sports ignoramus, who suffered the unfortunate fate of being married to a TCU Horned Frog Football fanatic.  Archie was as hopeless case as I, so much more so, in fact, his official moniker on his Twitter account read, and I quote:  Sports-Ignoramus-In-Training.  

"Archie is a little confused about division of time in sports," Derek began.  "He has some questions."  

"Shoot." 

"What is a period?" 

This would require a cigarette.  Lighting up, I said, "Amateur hour." 

"What's that boss?" 

"Nothing.  Repeat the question."  

"What's a period?"  

"A period is the reason I don't have kids."

"Okay.  What's an inning?" 

"An inning is the reason I might have kids." 

"Right.  And what’s a quarter?" 

"A quarter is what you pay a lady of the night for an inning."  

Laughter on the other end. 

"What?" 

"Seems a little cheap is all."  

"Good grief, Lytle, I don't know how much a lady of the night costs!  I've only seen two in my life!  And they were in Austin, wearing orange.  They said hello and I said goodbye.  Call me Paul McCartney, I am the Paulrus!" 

"Speaking of which, did you hear about Arch Manning at UT?" 

"Who?" 

"Payton and Eli Manning's nephew?" 

"Payton and Eli?" 

"Yes." 

"Sound like a folk duo."  

I heard from the other end of line what distinctly sounded like a palm hitting a forehead.

"I'm sending you a link," he said.   

"Please don't." 

"Oh trust me, SI.  You're going to love this." 

"I doubt it." 

Whereupon I received a link I had the hardest time opening.  I only saw the headline:  UT Reportedly Spends $280 During Arch Manning's Official Recruitment Visit."  

"280 dollars?  Amateurs."  

"Hate to break it to you, SI. That's $280 grand."  

It was time for a shot.  Cost me $2.80.  

"I've never made $280 grand in my life, in the entire history of my jobbing.  And they're spending that on who?" 

"Just read the article." 

"According to reports," I read, "the Texas Longhorns are particularly keen on No. 1 overall recruit Arch Manning for their team this summer . . . the football program spent close to $280,000, according to The Athletic, which obtained receipts and expense invoices . . . Texas splurged on Manning and eight other recruits that included airfare, 5-star hotels, food, desserts, entertainment and an open bar for parents." 

I paused.  Swallowed my $2.80 Jim Beam on the rocks.  "Kid can't even drink for God's sake!"  

I read further:  "Now this may seem like a lot of money . . . Thank you, Watson! . . . but the program is allowed to provide lodging, meals and entertainment for up to four family members per recruit.  Nine recruits . . . blah, blah, blah, where are the receipts! . . . $21,000 on travel, $46,696 on 34 hotel rooms, $17,319.71 on a lunch buffet . . . My God in Heaven!" 

"What's that, SI?" 

"A $17,000 dollar buffet?!" 

"Keep reading." 

" . . . $1,813.74 on custom cakes . . . What! . . . and other snacks, $3,359.12 on speaker rentals for photo shoots, $29,129.40 on a dinner buffet, $11,880 on an open bar for the parents . . . WTH!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.  "How are these people's livers still functional?" 

I requested another drink, this a Paddy's on the rocks.  It cost $4.85.  

"Another hotel buffet at 2 am . . . $10,226 on a breakfast buffet, $9,497.72 on a trip to Top Golf . . . Top Golf? . . . $36,900 on dinner at III Forks Steakhouse, $2,357.50 for an hour-long boat cruise, $31,628.75 bar tab for the parents . . . what a weekend!"  

 Silence. 

"You okay there, SI?" 

"Oh, I'm fine.  Just contemplating joining the Communist party . . . Lytle, what in your right mind made you think I would love this?" 

"Good inspiration for an article." 

"My ass.  What can I do with it?  I don't even know who Arch Manning is."

"I just told you."  

"Simon and Garfunkel's nephew.  Right.  Good talking to you, Lytle."  

"No problem, SI."  

"Just could you do me a favor, though?  The next time you get the inclination to send an article my way because you think I'll love it and find it useful for writing another article . . ." 

"Yes?" 

"Don't do it."

"Okay." 

"Goodbye." 

Click. 

I went behind the bar to retrieve my laptop. 

"What you doing there?" asked The Boss. 

"Writing an article," I said, at which point I penned the following piece. 

Dear Longhairs, 

I have some questions: 

1.  Who the hell is Arch Manning? 

2.  Who the hell were the other recruits with Arch Manning? 

3.  Can these people fly?  Can they spontaneously go invisible?  Can they breathe fire?  Are they immortal?  That $36,000 bar tab consumed by their parents would suggest so.

4.  When you reply to these queries, please send a direct letter to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery on 76107, with a check in the amount of $31,628.75 signed to SI SI.  This will cover the bar tab of every BnB regular for a year.  

Best, 

SI

I saved the article, shut the computer and took another drink of Paddy's.  I looked at Boss. 

"Keep your eye on the mail," I said.  "I've got a check in the amount of $31,628.75 coming."  I turned to the people behind me.  "Hey everyone!  Next year, we're drinking for free!"  

At which point every person in the bar bought me a shot.  

Before I passed out, half certain I was suffering liver failure, I requested a receipt.  

The total came to exactly $280.

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