U.S. Triumph at U.K. Cheese-Rolling Contest Surely Leaves Rest of World Trembling

When it comes to performing idiotic and dangerous feats in hopes of winning free food, America is the undisputed world leader. It’s how we express our liberty.

When it comes to performing idiotic and dangerous feats in hopes of winning free food, America is the undisputed world leader. It’s how we express our liberty. Never was this more apparent than on Memorial Day, when 27-year-old patriot Kenny Rackers of Colorado Springs competed in England’s storied Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling Race and scored an enormous win for the US of A.

The race features dozens of scrappy men tumbling 200 yards down a towering hill in pursuit of a giant wheel of cheese that can reach speeds of up to 70mph (approx. ₤112 kilowankers). First man to the bottom of the hill wins both the cheese and the race, and this year that man just so happened to be Rackers, who was competing in a breathtaking spandex Old Glory onesie.

Rackers not only won the main competition but also the less popular uphill race that followed—an astounding accomplishment considering he wasn’t 100% healthy going in. During a practice run several days earlier he took a nasty spill that might’ve discouraged, say, a Canadian from proceeding, but he recognized that even though his skin might bleed, the colors of the flag don’t. He was racing for the red, white, and blue—and as a U.S. Army veteran, Rackers dedicated his victory accordingly.

"My message is that today we're celebrating Memorial Day," he told KKTV, "and we're remembering all the soldiers that gave the ultimate sacrifice, so I want to thank all the soldiers past and present for their service everywhere."

Less gracious were the thousands of British spectators that had gathered at the race site, most of whom seemed unimpressed with Rackers' accomplished mission. One particularly bitter onlooker sneered, “Well, for an American it’s not bad, is it?”, which is verbatim what King George III said upon ceding the Revolutionary War.

Whatever. I hear sour grapes go well with bangers and mash.

Though China has stolen all of our military secrets and will likely enslave us within three-to-five years, Rackers’ historic conquest at Gloucestershire has proven that, at least for now, the United States is still the world’s ultimate superpower where it matters.

Now here's a little jingle for you to chant in public spaces at high volumes tonight and all other times:

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!