The worst bootleg team merchandise available on the Internet

As long as sports remain an important part of American culture, the bootleg business will continue to boom. You could spend $60 on a certified throwback

Luke Winkie | Aug 19, 2014

The worst bootleg team merchandise available on the Internet /

As long as sports remain an important part of American culture, the bootleg business will continue to boom. You could spend $60 on a certified throwback LaDanian Tomlinson jersey off of NFL.com or you could spend $20 on a slightly uglier throwback LaDanian Tomlinson jersey that still has the NFL crest to fool the layman. This is a difficult, complicated issue, because as much as it sucks to get gouged by a multi-billion dollar company, giving your credit card info to a bunch of nameless overseas merchants doesn’t feel particularly safe.

But forget all that, this is supposed to be about fun, because we journeyed into the depths of CafePress to bring you the absolute worst in bootleg team gear. It will never cease to surprise you how lazy people are in trying to cash in on vapid team passion. Come with us, to the very bottom of the Internet.

New York Yankees

Ah yes! The New York Yankees! All that tradition, that classic college letterboxing and red type! Playing on that old infield-less diamond!

There are only two reasons you might own this shirt. One, you lost a fantasy league. Two, you have no idea what baseball is.

Boston Red Sox

The Boston Red Cliparts are my favorite team.

Green Bay Packers

“Did he throw up on his shirt?” “No, that’s just the $9 onesie I got him off of Cafepress because I’m far too cheap to buy real clothes, let alone raise a child.”

Baltimore Orioles

I don’t know if this is supposed to be a Baltimore Orioles shirt. But it’s either the vaguest, feeblest attempt at cashing in on fandom, or a shirt that states in plain English that orioles, you know, the literal birds, are awesome. If you are the sort of person who would advertise their love of a specific bird, you probably need to go to some parties or something. If you are wearing this for your love of the baseball team, you should probably get a job so you can afford actual things.

Texas Longhorns

“Da Horns” is not a thing. “Da Horns” will never be a thing. People from Central Texas don’t speak with thick, bratwurst-y Midwest accents, and they were not featured in a beloved SNL sketch that went on to infiltrate American culture as a whole. If you buy this clock, it means every time you check the time you’ll be staring directly into a lie.

LeBron James

It’s an utterly meaningless statement thing.

New York Knicks

“I bleed orange” is fine. “I puke orange” is gross, but also fine. But “all my bodily fluids are orange & blue?” Not exactly going for succinctness are we? You really want an eight word sentence describing how the liquids that make up your lifeforce are colored the same as your favorite sports team? I mean, why stop there? Why not wear a shirt that says “my skin is orange and blue you just can’t tell because you are not a Chosen One.”

Michael Jordan

If there were one way I could for sure know you were not “fly,” it would be wearing something that had the word “in” capitalized.

Alabama Crimson Tide

Look, there are plenty of jokes we can make about this, because well, damn. But my personal favorite thing is the massive stamp that says MADE IN THE USA.

OF COURSE IT IS MADE IN THE USA, THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER PLACE IN THE WORLD THAT WOULD MAKE A BOOTLEG THONG WITH THE WORDS “RAMMER JAMMER” ON IT. THAT IS THE MOST REDUNDANT PIECE OF ADVERTISING I HAVE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. ROLL TIDE, YOU ANIMALS.

Published Aug 19, 2014

LUKE WINKIE