All-Star Celebrity Game: Semi-serious diary for semi-serious game

Did you watch the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game? We did. Kind of.

NEW YORK -- In lieu of actually covering the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, SI.com decided to do a live diary of the event, with the same amount of seriousness as the celebrities who actually participated in the game.

7:00 PM ET: Sage Steele takes the stage to MC the game. I learned two things: this is the first time the NBA has hosted the Celebrity Game at an NBA arena, and that Sarah Silverman is apparently a late addition -- and playing.

7:01: First pregame takeaway: this might be the last time the NBA hosts the Celebrity Game in a real arena. Pretty much nobody is at Madison Square Garden.

7:03: Player introductions begin. They include: “The Perfect Heartthrob” Ansel Elgort (I don’t know who that is), Arcade Fire frontman Win Butler (sporting a headband and a beer belly) and Little League superstar and probable future UConn commit Mo’Ne Davis. Note to self: Don’t ask her anything about Jackie Robinson West. Also, Robert Pera, whose “passion for the game,” according to the PA announcer, not his millions, made him the owner of the Grizzlies.

Kevin Durant: Players — not media — should be voting on NBA awards

​7:10: It must be brutal to be a Knicks cheerleader and have to dance at an event nobody seems to be all that into. Then again, experience.

7:24: The daughters of the late Stuart Scott walk to center court for a moment in his honor. Genuinely a nice gesture by the league.

7:28: The game actually starts. Three-time Celebrity Game MVP Kevin Hart takes Mo’Ne off the dribble on the first possession. This strikes me as somewhat sad. Karmic note: he airballs a three two minutes later.

7:31: Chris Mullin hits a corner three. He can still do that. A little later, Allan Houston hits a three too. He can still do that too, and the Knicks could probably use him.

7:33: Karma strikes again as Mo’Ne blows past Kevin Hart with a spin move, for a bucket. People are cheering for her in the press box. My journalistic ethics are severely tested.

7:43: At the end of the first quarter, the West leads the East, 18-17. I realize I don’t even know which team has been wearing which colors. This is riveting. 

7:45: Comedian Michael Rapaport ruthlessly blocks Mo’Ne Davis. This is your daily reminder to be a nice person. Karmic note No 2: he airballs a shot two minutes later. There’s a trend here.

8:03: After an excruciating seven-minute TV timeout…I realize this game has a running clock, which is arguably more exciting than watching Kevin Hart dribble a basketball. At halftime, the West, led by Robert Pera with eight points, leads the East 32-24.

8:21: The second half mercifully begins.

• MORE NBA: Midseason awards | Grading all 30 teams | All-Star coverage

8:26: 6'4" Win Butler and 5'4" Kevin Hart amusingly get tied up on a loose ball. Butler, who has notably appeared in Matt Bonner’s charity games, is actually not that bad. A couple minutes later, he scores off a sweet no-look dime from Skylar Diggins, who could definitely be dominating this game if she wanted to.

8:30: The crowd noise reaches its apex… for the Sean John “Diddy Style Dress and Dribble” competition, in which two men race to don Sean John apparel and make a layup.

8:31: UPDATE: the crowd has surpassed its previous mark as Dave Chappelle, who’s at the game with his son, does a courtside interview. He tells Kevin Hart, chasing another game MVP, that “all the comedians in New York believe in you.” 

8:36: Allan Houston looks pretty athletic while draining another pull-up jumper. Paging James Dolan. At the end of the third, the West leads the East 42-37.

8:44: Kevin Hart gets another layup. I might be willing to acknowledge that he’s kind of not-that-bad at basketball. Shortly afterward, things take a somber turn as actor Jesse Williams suffers a leg injury and is helped off the court. Luckily, I hear there are doctors on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. 

8:49: Diggins and Hart trade buckets as the game enters its final stretch, the West maintaining a narrow lead. Then Nick Cannon, who apparently has been playing this entire time, fouls someone. 

Overheard in crowd: Robert Pera? Who is that?

Brian Babineau/NBAE/Getty Images

8:53: Allan Houston hits a three-ball for the East to make it a two-point game with under two minutes to go. The West manages not to turn it over and hang on. Ansel Elgort, who I just learned is the lead in The Fault in Our Stars, drains two game-clinching free throws. He pouts, and I imagine tears streaming slowly down his face.

8:58: The West wins 59-51. WNBA star Schoni Schimmel finishes with a game-high 17 points for the East. Kevin Hart adds 15 for the losing team. On the other end, Diggins and Pera tie with 13 points, and Butler finishes with 8 and 12. Mo’ne Davis goes 1-of-8 from the field and kind of subtly might have been benched in the second half. Shame on you, Spike Lee.

Juan Ocampo/Getty Images

9:02: Kevin Hart inexplicably wins MVP. The president of Sprint presents him the award and then tries to take it back, in a self-described “Kanye moment.”

Hart, award in hand, makes a classy move and garners another round of applause for Stuart Scott. The now four-time MVP then announces his retirement from the Celebrity All-Star game. 

And a tree falls in the forest.