Extra Mustard’s guide to winning $1 million with a Super Bowl commercial

If you know how to make a good Super Bowl commercial, you can win $1 million this year. So here’s how to do it.

Doritos is running its $1 million Super Bowl commercial contest again this year. Based on many years of watching Super Bowl commercials, you already know what the winner will look like, so here’s how to win a cool million.

This is what you’ll need:

• A cute dog
• Talking, adorable baby
• Soldier returning home
• A tropical locale
• Coeds
• Lots of Doritos
• An old, out-of-place actor
• A nonsensical catchphrase

So your commercial should go something like this:

A soldier returns home to a sunny beach when he sets down his bag and a beach ball lands at his feet, and the soldier picks up the ball and hands it to the talking, adorable baby and the baby says, “Thank you for your service” and hands the soldier a bag of Doritos. That's when a cute dog jumps through the frame and steals the bag of Doritos, but then an attractive woman approaches the soldier and says, “Looking for these?” holding two bags of Doritos, and the soldier says, “Judith! I missed you!” and they leave the beach hand-in-hand. Then the camera pans to Clint Eastwood, who looks into the camera and says, “It’s halftime in America. Seize the Cheesiness.”

Fin.