How to Salvage Any Political Thanksgiving Table Conversation By Making It About Sports

A handy guide to help you pivot away from any political topic and into sports.

A new PBS/NPR poll found that 58% of Americans “dread the thought of having talk about politics at Thanksgiving dinner.” Same! It’s always risky when your racist uncle and hippie cousin get together in presence of alcohol. It can be a recipe for disaster, which is why it’s helpful if you’re able to change the subject quicker than Antonio Brown making a cut on an out route.

Sports can be divisive, too, but it’s safer than talking politics. So here’s a handy guide to help you pivot away from any political topic and into sports. 

Your niece Heather: “The recent decision on net neutrality is troublesome for consumers and web companies alike.”

You: “The only net I’m concerned with right now is the Pittsburgh Penguins’. Matt Murray will have to improve upon that pedestrian .909 save percentage if they want to three-peat as Stanley Cup champs.”

Your wingnut uncle Phil: “I’ve had it up to here with all the fake news!”

You: “Preaching to the choir, buddy. The rumors surrounding the college football coaching carousel are driving me nuts.”

Your aunt Denise: “I find it infinitely upsetting that the people seem so willing to give such a soulless monster so much power.”

You: “Tell me about it! Here’s hoping Gus Malzahn knocks Saban down a peg on Saturday.”

Your cousin Matt, who just spent 15 minutes explaining the difference between liberals and leftists while everyone else groaned: “The vast majority of this country’s ills can be traced back to wealth inequality and recent proposals will only exacerbate the problem.”

You: “Yeah, but did you hear about the case of Shohei Ohtani? MLB’s international signing rules give every team in the league a chance to sign this two-way phenom for minimal money.”

Your sister’s boyfriend Marc: “Nothing makes me sicker than decades of rampant corruption.”

You: “Absolutely. That’s why I’m so glad the FBI has finally decided to shine a light on what we all suspected was happening in college hoops.”

Your bewildered grandmother Eunice: “What’s this I keep hearing about the Russians getting up to no good?”

You: “Sure, Timofey Mozgov’s contract with the Lakers looks ill-advised in hindsight but the Nets had plenty of room under their cap to absorb it while they rebuild.”

Your meathead cousin Tyler, wearing an Eagles hoodie: “I’ve stopped watching the NFL because these ungrateful punks keep disrespecting the flag.”

You: “Uh huh. Can someone pass the potatoes?”