Ranking the Most Important People in Golf (From the Past Week)

After a hectic week of golf news, Gary Van Sickle ranks the key performers, and performances, by the major players.

Charlton Heston said it best in “Soylent Green,” a camp classic movie set in an overpopulated future: “Soylent green is people!”

The Ranking staff believes what the King of the Hambones meant was not that the government was turning dead bodies into tasty crackers to feed the masses but that it’s people who make the world go round. People matter. Up with people.

Continuing this people-friendly trend, The Ranking used complex algorithms and statistical data points to determine The Most Important People of the Week, in order of value. A Radio Shack 200 computer, powered by fresh AA batteries, did the computations, while The Ranking staff sat back and enjoyed a snack and, say, these green crackers really are tasty…

10. Jay Monahan. The commissar of the PGA Tour and the as-yet unnamed Tour-LIV entity told the PGA Tour Policy Board that he’s coming back to work next week. (Wait, he was gone?) Monahan cited an undisclosed health issue for a leave of absence shortly after being hit by a blowback storm following his announcement of a Tour-LIV Golf-Saudi merger arrangement. Monahan said his health has improved “dramatically” after some “world-class health care.” Tyler Dennis, Monahan’s designated hitter, will thus return to the on-deck circle.

9. Michelle Wie-West. The Greatest Player Who Never Was in women’s golf bowed out in style, ironically holing a long putt on Pebble Beach’s 18 green as she missed her last cut. The putter was never Wie-West’s friend, although she had a quality career, including a U.S. Open win and a ton of sponsor earnings. She just wasn’t able to be the Tiger Woods of women’s golf, an unfair expectation that followed her. Now she’s got a daughter, a degree from Stanford University and a life free from putting drills.

8. The Other Jay Monahan. What are the odds? Another male named Jay Monahan caddied for U.S. Women’s Open champ Allison Corpuz. She and Nasa Hataoka, playing in the Open’s final Sunday twosome, were put on the clock for slow play at the 11th hole, a rare instance of leaders being held accountable. When Corpuz had trouble picking a club in swirling winds at the 13th hole, she officially received a bad timing. One more bad timing would have meant a one-shot penalty. “I should have known that rule but I didn’t,” the Other Jay Monahan said. How to solve the problem? Corpuz picked up the pace by making birdies at the next two holes. As for two Jay Monahans, cloning has been ruled out as the cause.

7. Randall Stephenson. The former AT&T executive resigned his position from the PGA Tour Policy Board due to his concerns about affiliating with the ruling regime in Saudi Arabia. He wrote a note to other board members, which was obtained by the Washington Post, in which he said the tour should look for “alternative sources of capital.” Also, Soylent Green is still people.

6. Charley Hull. The English golfer made a dramatic run up the U.S. Women’s Open leaderboard posting 32 on Pebble Beach’s front nine and finishing with 66. Debating whether to go for the green at the par-5 18th hole, knowing she was three shots down, she told her caddie (who was not named Jay Monahan), “Shy kids don’t get sweets.” (Or suites? Holiday Inn declined comment.) Her 3-wood shot ran into the ocean-front bunker short of the green and she made a par and tied for runner-up, but her go-for-broke attempt was Arnold Palmer-ish/Tiger Woods-ish. High praise.

5. Cameron Smith. The Aussie outplayed 47 other golfers en route to winning another LIV Golf event in London and another eleventy-seven million dollars. The team title went to It Doesn’t Matter.

4. Rasmus Hojgaard. The local kid makes good. Hojgaard, a Dane, rallied from six shots back in the final round and beat Nacho Elvira in a playoff to win the Made in HimmerLand tournament in Denmark. Hojgaard, 22, closed with 64 and might be a candidate to make the European Ryder Cup team. He moved within 100 points or golden pazoozas or Seagram crowns (or however they keep score) of qualifying for the team automatically.

3. Nacho Elvira. The Ranking just wanted to say “Nacho” again. Next…

2. Sepp Straka. You post 28 on the front nine at the John Deere Classic, you’re on a roll, it looks like you might shoot a Heinz—57—and then a couple of slip-ups on the back nine, a double-bogey at the final hole and you have to settle for a dreadfully deplorable 62, if there is such a thing. That lets the pursuers back in the hunt but when Brendan Todd and Alex Smalley don’t birdie the par-5 17th, you win the $1.3 million and a free tractor ride anyway. It’s your second tour win. You are hereby validated, Sir Sepp.

1. Allisen Corpuz. The University of Southern California alum was ranked 29th in the world but not widely known before last week when she played so well she made Pebble Beach look positively tame. Corpuz is from Hawaii, which is why she got a congratulatory tweet from former President Barack Obama—they attended the same Honolulu school. Corpuz became the first American to win the Open in seven years. She took a three-shot lead to the final hole and finished off the win with a routine par. It was her first win as a pro. “Unreal,” Corpuz said later.