Pour One Out, Light a Candle, Say a Prayer: The Marlins Dinger Machine Is No More

It's life was brief, wondrous and neon bright, but the Marlins dinger machine will no longer be featured in Marlins Park.

Miami Marlins’ owner Derek Jeter has gotten his wish: The statue that sits in the outfield at Marlins Park and whirs to life whenever someone hits a home run is officially outta there, reports the Miami Herald.

Okay, wait, so let me get this straight: In Jeter’s first year of owning this team he has:

A) Traded away its biggest star, Giancarlo Stanton, to the Yankees (the Yankees!)

B) Earned the honor of finishing last in the NL East, and

C) destroyed the dinger statue, the only good thing left in Miami when it comes to baseball?

I am livid. Why would anyone even go to a Marlins game anymore? The dinger statue is— was? I’m crying—the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s gaudy, loud (actually loud, there was a lot of noise when that thing got going), garish and enormous. It was a lot like Miami itself, a vibrant, colorful, hot and sometimes confusing place. Dolphins jump over a structurally sound rainbow as multi-colored lights flash while the crowd loses its collective mind. The only thing more exciting than a home run is a home run followed by what is essentially a giant Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper lurching to life.

Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

I was angry on the behalf of fans when Jeter traded Stanton, but I soon moved on, because I don’t actually care that much about the Marlins. But I care about the art, and destroying a work so magnificent it is unforgivable. This destruction leads me to believe that Jeter will eventually buy your childhood home, dismantle it, put the boards in the woodchipper, sell it to a pet store, and laugh as the structure that once held your warm memories becomes a bed for hamsters. He will take your dreams, crush them up, sweep them off the table into his hand, and blow them slowly into the wind from the top deck of his yacht in Croatia. He will find your deepest, darkest secret and start his own newspaper just to publish it.

Does Jeter hate fun? I know he played for the Yankees, so yeah, maybe, but has he ever had any? Is his heart made of coal? Does he also want to get rid of puppies, grandparents, chocolate, and those colorful little toothpicks they put in your sandwich at diners? Does he know what it means to love? Has he ever cared about something bigger than himself?

I can’t speak for Jeter, but I can only deduce that someone who would willingly remove the most beautiful piece of 3D art since Michelangelo's David must be somehow broken inside.

RIP the Marlins’ Dinger Machine, 2012–2018. You had an incredible run, and died too young. May you find dolphins and rainbows in statue heaven.