Ranking the SF Giants rookies by their Barbie-inspired Ken fits

The SF Giants had some fun on Sunday as they geared up to travel to Arizona, with players showcasing the best Ken look they could muster.

Well folks, it’s that time. Time for another installment of “let’s ignore what the SF Giants are doing on the field for the sake of our collective mental health and talk about something silly they did off the field.”

In this case, the Giants headed to Arizona on Sunday during their last road trip of the season. A tweet from Susan Slusser sent a red alert to the masses: the rookies had dressed up like Ken from Barbie for the flight. Slusser later clarified that this was not a rookies-only activity; a few veterans joined in on the fun too. But there’s photographic evidence of the rookies, so this is going to be about them. Below is a ranking of the rookies’ costumes: who captured the Kenergy, and whose attempts weren’t quite Kenough?

Can you feel the Kenergy? 🕺 pic.twitter.com/JUAdUlekZF

— SFGiants (@SFGiants) September 18, 2023

5. Ryan Walker as “Cowboy Ken”

Let’s just be clear: none of these guys did a bad job. They all wore the plastic blonde wig and they all put in effort. Walker’s black and white fringe shirt does most of the work here, though he remembers to accessorize with a white cowboy hat and pink bandana. Sadly, the waist is where the Ken ends. Of course, ballplayers want to be comfortable while they travel, so Walker’s black pants and sneakers make practical sense. But what is a real-world-traipsing cowboy doll without his boots? One has to wonder if Walker thought to ask resident Giants cowboy Camilo Doval for a loaner pair to really complete the ensemble.

t-3. Patrick Bailey as “All Pink Everything Ken” and Keaton Winn as “Canadian Tuxedo Ken”

Differentiating between these two looks is impossible. They exist on the same plane despite being opposites. Bailey’s costume is the pink jumpsuit emblazoned with the Barbie “B” that Ken wears to accompany Barbie out of Barbieland. Bailey adds an ascot, a quintessential Ken accessory, in a matching pink shade. His orange sneakers don’t quite go with the rest of his look, but the joy on his face makes up for any clashing. Winn’s costume is the Canadian tuxedo Ken wears when Barbie tricks him into thinking she’s ready to be his girlfriend. The biggest inaccuracy within the outfit is the jorts instead of full-length jeans, but that somehow makes the outfit better. They pair perfectly with Winn’s blond wig, which has somehow migrated into a mullet. Despite any deviance from the costume in the movie, this ensemble perfectly captures Ken’s dramatic, exaggerated foray into toxic masculinity.

2. Luis Matos as “Rollerblade Ken”

How does this work?? Why does Matos look so cool in this outfit?? Should this be a trend??? Are visors back???? What is fashion, really?????

Anyway. This is a triumph. The vest and shorts are legitimately awesome. The printed visor and neon wristbands mirror the movie costume exactly. Matos has added round pink sunglasses, which bring the whole look into a modern context. The only criticism is that his shoes are black and white; a yellow sneaker with hot pink laces would mirror the blades Ken wears in the movie without Matos having to strap wheels to his feet and risk injury. Even with this small gripe, it takes a monumental effort to top this costume.

1. Blake Sabol as “Mojo Dojo Casa House Ken”

And the monumental effort is this. Is this outfit accurate to the one Ken wears in the movie? No. But do you know exactly what you’re looking at when you see this costume? YES. Sabol starts with Ken at his most unhinged and goes even further. He doesn’t have the movie magic of an extended dance number on his side, but one might say his perfectly fitted sparkly rainbow pants more than make up for it. His Nike sneakers play into the red of his pants and the white of his coat and hat, making this circus of an outfit cohesive. It’s deranged, but totally self-aware. SABOL’S EVEN DOING DOLL HANDS IN THE PHOTO. As Ken would say, “SUBLIME!”