Drafting Baseball Movie Characters

SI Staff | Mar 31, 2008

Drafting Baseball Movie Characters

No. 10: Roy Hobbs

Courtesy of Sony Pictures

We've all seen some great players up on the big screen in movies -- both great, and absolutely horrendous -- about baseball. If a draft of baseball players from movies was ever held, this is what the 10 picks might look like. <br><br>Sure, he's arguably the best hitter anyone has ever seen, but his shocking numbers and ability to literally rip the cover off the ball at his advanced age raises red flags about the possible usage of performance-enhancing drugs. A potential Senate committee hearing, as well as his frequent destruction of stadium lights, may make Hobbs more trouble than he's worth.

No. 9: Ed

Courtesy of Universal Studios

The only thing less plausible than a chimp playing Minor League Baseball is Matt LeBlanc having the ability to throw 125 miles per hour. Although "Ed" was one of the worst films ever made -- but arguably not the worst movie ever made by a star of "Friends" -- putting a chimp on the field is a guaranteed way for a struggling franchise to put people in the seats.

No. 8: Bobby Rayburn

Courtesy of Sony Pictures

A change of scenery should do wonders for this former three-time MVP who looks an awful lot like a mustachioed, pre-juiced Barry Bonds. He may have had a poor year with the Giants recently, but you wouldn't play all that well either if you couldn't get your lucky number and had Robert DeNiro stalking you.

No. 7: Henry Rowengartner

Courtesy of 20th Century Fox

Get past the child labor laws and you have a 12-year-old who had the best "Tommy John Surgery" of all-time and can now throw 103 mph.

No. 6: Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn

Courtesy of Paramount

Despite the current trend of hard-throwing closers around the league, a history of run-ins with the law and a tragically dated haircut prevents Ricky from being taken any higher than sixth.

No. 5: Amanda Wurlitzer

Courtesy of Paramount

Any team would love to throw Amanda out on the hill once every five days. She's got an arsenal of pitches comparable to Dice-K, and mental toughness that comes from being the only girl in an all-boys league. The only drawback of this innings eater is fear of overuse by her first coach, Morris Buttermaker, who clearly didn't believe in pitch counts.

No. 4: Montgomery Brewster

Courtesy of Universal Studios

For a team strapped for cash, this would be the ultimate "Moneyball" pick. This minor leaguer may get knocked around a bit in the Bigs, but he's the only player in the draft who would actually give $30 million back to the franchise that signs him. Somewhere Billy Beane is salivating.

No. 3: Dottie Hinson

Courtesy of Sony Pictures

Who better to build a team around than a catcher who can call a great game, handle prima donna pitchers and flat out mash? Don't think she's tough enough? Name one major league catcher today who would have the guts to slide into second base to break up a double play while wearing a skirt.

No. 2: Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh

Courtesy of MGM

Once described as "a million dollar arm with a 10 cent head," scouts agree the tutelage he received from journeyman Crash Davis during his stay in Single A ball has helped turn this former wild flamethrower into a top-flight pitcher.

No. 1: Jack Elliot

Courtesy of Universal Studios

Sure, he's a bit on the old side, but he'll show how much he appreciates playing major league baseball again here in the states by hustling harder than he ever has before just to avoid going back to play for the Nagoya Dragons. He will also be a huge draw with the ladies thanks to the best baseball mustache since Gorman Thomas.

Bonus: Tenley Parrish

Courtesy of Warner Home Video

OK, she might not be in the starting lineup, but there are few positions as important to any self-respecting baseball franchise as "team groupie," and it would be pretty tough to top this choice. Besides, if she's good enough for Derek Jeter, she's definitely good enough for this list.