The Sports Lowlights of 2024: Remembering the Dubious Achievements of the Year

Ugly feet and ugly behavior (from humans and dogs—come on, Lucy!) balanced out the good.

Illustrations by Luke McGarry

GRAZED ANATOMY

Pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati of France became a viral sensation at the Summer Games in Paris after knocking the bar off with his spandexed bulge.

HE TAKES HIS WORK HOME

After the Pacers beat the Bucks for the fourth time last season, Giannis Antetokounmpo said: “When you go home and sleep and wake up, you think about it. When you go back and work out, you think about it … When you’re about to get freaky at night, you think about it.”

NO MERCY ON THE MERSEY

The 11-year-old participant in a charity fundraiser was in tears after the two penalty kicks he took at halftime of a Chelsea-Liverpool game were saved on dives by former Reds keeper David James, who told a U.K. morning show host: “The thing is, Rick, I don’t let in penalties.”

OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

A player for Atletico Awajun in a Peruvian professional soccer league was shown a red card after appearing to urinate behind the corner flag.

CHUCK ROAST

When asked why he spends $1,000 on pedicures, Shaquille O’Neal told Jimmy Fallon: “Because I feel sorry for the young lady that’s doing my feet. No, I really do … my feet look like Charles Barkley’s face.”

Illustration by Luke McGarry

SINGLE-DIGIT WIN

Australian field hockey player Matt Dawson chose to have the top inch of his injured right ring finger amputated rather than miss the Olympics.

MOOKIE’S WILSON

When Mookie Betts caught a foul ball at the wall during Game 4 of the World Series in New York, one Yankees fan pried open the Dodgers outfielder’s glove while another immobilized his throwing hand.

GRONK’S BOMBERS

Former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski recognized the first fan as a “maniac” buddy from the University of Arizona and congratulated him for “shining when your moment came.”

THE ODDS AREN’T GOOD …

According to MLB investigators, infielder Tucupita Marcano—who, in June, was banned for life from the sport for betting on games while a member of the Pirates—won only 4.3% of the 387 wagers he placed.

… AND THE GOODS ARE ODD

The first 1,000 fans to the Altoona Curve game on April 13 received a Paul Skenes “bobblestache” doll with a pivoting soup strainer.

NO END IN SIGHT

The Delta Center in Salt Lake City, home to the Utah Hockey Club of the NHL, offers 5,000 seats with no view of one net.

SLEEVEY WONDER

The jersey Babe Ruth wore while making his “called shot” in the 1932 World Series sold at auction in August for $24,120,000.

MORTAL COMBAT

“It don’t stop ’til the casket drop,” exclaimed Snoop Dogg, on NBC, during a long men’s doubles badminton rally at the Olympics.

Illustration by Luke McGarry

LAV IS A LOSING GAME

At the U.S. Olympic Trials, sprinter Kendall Ellis was locked in a port-a-potty for 10 minutes before a worker heard her banging on the door and freed her just before the start of the 400-meter semifinal.

I SEE TOMMY JOHN’S TOMMY JOHNS

The thinner, lighter, cheaper-looking MLB uniforms that Nike unveiled in spring training unwittingly featured see-through pants. 

GET CARTER

A man accused of stealing a golf cart was apprehended by police after leading them on a low-speed vehicular chase through the streets of Pine Bluff, Ark. 

LINCOLN MEMORIAL

A regent at Nebraska proposed interring the ashes of deceased Cornhuskers fans in a columbarium beneath the football field. 

UPRIGHTS CITIZEN BRIGADE

After Vanderbilt upset top-ranked Alabama in football, fans tore down a goalpost, marched it through Nashville and threw it into the Cumberland River. 

CHOCK FULL O’ NUTS

NWSL expansion team Bos Nation FC apologized for its inauspicious rollout, which included the marketing phrase: “Old Balls, New Balls, Steel Balls, Cold Balls, Goat Balls … Too Many Balls.”

TOO MANY BALLS

Without ever straying from his row in the second deck of the Oakland Coliseum, a fan at an A’s game caught three foul balls in a single inning.

HOLD MY BEER

A Mariners fan seated 330 feet from home plate in Seattle caught foul balls on two consecutive pitches in May.

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

After being locked in a portable restroom before her semifinal at the U.S. Olympic Trials, 400-meter champ Kendall Ellis thanked her new corporate partner, Charmin, “for supporting me backside to trackside.”

STATUE OF LIMITATIONS

The Heat unveiled a statue of Dwyane Wade that looked so unlike the Hall of Fame guard that he asked, upon seeing it, “Who is that guy?”

Illustration by Luke McGarry

SEA KELP IMMEDIATELY

A 42-year-old man was arrested after cannonballing naked into the 24,000-gallon fish tank in the center of a Bass Pro Shops in Leeds, Ala.

HOP A STRAIGHT LINE

A 25-year-old man in a kangaroo costume was arrested under suspicion of impaired driving in October after crashing a Zamboni into the boards while resurfacing the ice at a rink in Quebec.

BEFORE PUNCHING HIMSELF OUT IN A FIFTH-INNING BRAWL

Catcher Danny Jansen batted for the Blue Jays against the Red Sox in June and—after a rain postponement, a trade to Toronto and a resumption of play two months later—took the plate in the same inning for the Red Sox against the Blue Jays. 

LUCY ISN’T KIND TO DIAMONDS

In her debut as bat dog for the Clearwater Threshers of the Florida State League, a Labrador retriever named Lucy sprinted past the bat near the on-deck circle and zoomed around the infield before defecating on the grass behind the pitcher’s mound. 

GRISLY ADAMS

Musher Dallas Seavey won a record sixth Iditarod in March despite a two-hour penalty for insufficiently gutting the moose he’d shot in defense of his dogs on the first day of the 1,000-mile sled race in Alaska.

THE SECOND BIGGEST WHITE SOCKS FIASCO OF 2024 

Thirty-three thousand fans endured a half-hour delay before the Arsenal match at Chelsea in the Women’s Super League while the visitors—wearing white socks, like their hosts—changed into black socks purchased in the Chelsea megastore.

FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LEVERAGE

While owner Jerry Reinsdorf sought a billion dollars in public funding for a new stadium, the White Sox lost 121 games, a modern record that included separate losing streaks of 12, 14 and 21 games.

NO REGRETS

Before Detroit lost the NFC championship game to the 49ers, a 43-year-old Michigan man with a Lions super bowl champs 2024 tattoo told People: “I’ve never been so sure of something. I just knew they were going to go all the way, and I knew I had to get a tattoo of it.”

CRUSTACEAN RESUSCITATION

After a postal worker choked on a lobster roll at a competitive eating contest in Meredith, N.H., and was Heimliched by the state’s governor and a paramedic, he resumed speed-eating.

Illustration by Luke McGarry

EXIT SANDMAN

There were 653 emergency calls, 211 ejections and 54 arrests at the Phoenix Open, where a shirtless spectator cartwheeled into a bunker near the 16th green and made sand angels before fleeing security.

NETFLIX AND ILL

In September, Joey Chestnut ate 83 hot dogs in 10 minutes to smash his previous world record by seven franks on the live Netflix special Chestnut vs. Kobayashi: Unfinished Beef.

SIGNED, IN MUSTARD, WITH A FLATULENT SQUEEZE BOTTLE

The paper napkin on which an Argentine agent scrawled the agreement in 2000 to sell 13-year-old Lionel Messi to Barcelona sold at auction for $965,000.

IN THE DRIVE-THRU OF A DUNKIN’

The last of the eight bulls that escaped a rodeo held in the parking lot of a mall in Massachusetts was captured, more than 24 hours later, on U.S. Highway 1.

JAGRHEISTER

Nineteen thousand bobblehead dolls in the likeness of retired Penguins star Jaromir Jagr were stolen by cargo thieves in March and recovered nearly two weeks later by a joint task force of agents from the FBI and the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.