Sour Rankings: Mallett's pouting, Pierce's blocking lead Week 5's worst
The updated Power Rankings arrive on Wednesday. But first, the Sour Rankings take a spin through the worst of the past week in the NFL …
Honorable mention, winless division
The Lions benched Matthew Stafford in the third quarter of Sunday's blowout loss to Arizona, and the Cardinals used the opportunity to rest Carson Palmer a bit. The resulting quarterback matchup in the fourth quarter? Dan Orlovsky vs. Drew Stanton.
The link between those two? Not that Lions fans need any reminder now that their team is 0–5, but Orlovsky and Stanton were two of the five quarterbacks on Detroit's roster at various times during the infamous 0–16 season in 2008. The other three: Daunte Culpepper, Jon Kitna and Drew Henson.
10. Daren Bates's Clay Matthews costume
Bates, a backup linebacker, drew the assignment of simulating Matthews on the Rams' scout team this week. Not sure this helped, but he deserves a solid B for the effort ...
• Packers proving they can also win with defense with victory over Rams
9. Teen Wolf (subtitle: I'm getting old)
If you know that this NFL fan is dressed up as Michael J. Fox's character from "Teen Wolf," then kudos for having seen one of the most underrated '80s movies there is. If you didn't know, I will assume—correctly, I imagine—that you are younger than I am.
8. Use of the word 'literally'
Hasselbeck turns in a gem as Colts top Texans to take hold of AFC South
Matt Hasselbeck was sick last week, so much so that he checked into the hospital on Monday and said after the Colts' win Thursday that he wasn't sure how he got through the game.
He was not, however, quite this sick: "[He] was literally on his deathbed Monday and Tuesday and mustered enough to come in on Wednesday and practice," Colts coach Chuck Pagano said, via the Indianapolis Star.
You want 'figuratively' there, coach. Or, if you did mean 'literally,' then we all should talk about the miracle we just witnessed together.
7. Another round!
Kirk Cousins threw two interceptions Sunday, including a walk-off game-winner to Robert Alford in overtime. But at least Washington fans watching at one bar in D.C. got something out of those mistakes.
6. The Broncos' postgame meal
Following a win over Oakland, the Broncos tweeted out the food choices offered to their players and staff. And ... come on, chicken parm?
Guess we know what Peyton Manning ordered.
• BANKS: Snaps—Dalton, Bengals finally delivered when stakes were huge
5. You OK, Tracy Wolfson?
Heads up for that bottomless pit at the edge of the Cowboys' field, Tracy. We told Jerry Jones not to put it in.
4. Pouty Ryan Mallett
The Texans' quarterback pulled himself from Thursday's game after taking a hard shot to the ribs while attempting a pass. He never got back in. Brian Hoyer immediately led a scoring drive and the Texans stuck with him through the end, and will start him again in Week 6.
Mallett, to say the least, did not take it well.
The Thursday night broadcast also pointed out that Mallett left the field right after his team scored on a Hail Mary to end the second quarter, before Houston attempted the extra point.
• SI.com's complete coverage of Week 5 in the NFL
3. Christine Michael's photo op
En route to the stadium for Sunday's game, the Cowboys' newest running back was pulled over ... just for a picture, apparently.
The cop's pose really seals a spot in the Sour Rankings. Michael is from Beaumont, Tex., so he probably is a familiar face to some football fans in the state, though I'm curious how this moment actually came to be. Did the cop just spot him and ask him to pull over, or did the cop recognize him after he pulled him over?
Either way, the result was worth it.
2. Neil deGrasse Tyson explains a field goal
The Bengals completed a stunning rally vs. Seattle on Sunday, storming back from 17 down to force overtime. They then won it when Mike Nugent banked one home off the upright.
Skill? Luck? Maybe. Renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson had a more scientific explanation:
• Fantasy football: Sunday Superlatives | Players to drop after Week 5
1. Uh ... Bernard Pierce?
I have watched this at least a dozen times now. I still have absolutely no idea what in the world happened here:
The Jaguars' Bernard Pierce was in position to make a tackle of Tampa Bay punt returner Bobby Rainey. Instead, he turned and "blocked" one of the Buccaneers players, helping to spring Rainey for a longer return.
Did Pierce forget his team had punted? Did he somehow lose track of where the football was and start trying to get back upfield? This is as baffling a moment as I can remember in recent NFL history.
