Week 13 Preview: Why Would You Wish This on Jalen Hurts?

The tragedy that is the Eagles offense, what Lamar Jackson needs, the weirdest NFL click-bait story, and more. Plus, musical guest: Elvis Costello and The Attractions!

1. If you are clamoring for an immediate quarterback switch in Philadelphia, I ask you this: What did Jalen Hurts ever do to you?

Unless you wish great bodily and psychological harm on the rookie, this is, essentially, the logic: “You know that developmental quarterback they took in the second round? They should rush him into the lineup as soon as possible, because this seems like a situation in which a young quarterback would really thrive…”

The Eagles’ offense is a dystopian hellscape—muddled playcalling, an offensive line that can’t block, receivers that can’t separate or, sometimes, run the plays they're supposed to run. Forgive me for being the guy who cherry-picks a single play, but this one from Monday night is a perfect metaphor for the 2020 Eagles offense. Or a perfect simile, if you include “like” or “as.”

The MNF crew spotted this, but I think they had it slightly wrong. (Or, if they had it right, the mistake was even more absurd than anyone imagined.) It’s third-and-10 in the red zone, and Carson Wentz has recognized that (shock!) Jamal Adams, the safety who always blitzes because he’s been getting lit ablaze in coverage all year, is indeed coming on a blitz. So Wentz checks to a screen. It’s a perfect pre-snap adjustment and—as you can see from what transpires to Wentz’s left—very likely would have resulted in a touchdown, except for the fact that no one was there to catch the screen.

It seems like it’s most likely rookie Jalen Reagor, in the left slot, who’s supposed to be catching a tunnel screen. MNF suspected it was running back Boston Scott, but he’s taking the play fake going the other way. (Of course, if any team was going to have the quarterback instinctively perform a play-action fake to a running back who he knew was executing the wrong play, it’s the Eagles).

Eleven games into the season, the 2020 Eagles may have destroyed a 27-year-old who is three years removed from an MVP-caliber season and 11 months removed from being one of the 10 best quarterbacks in football. Wentz might very well be ruined. Why would you want to do the same to Hurts?

If anything, Hurts should be blindfolded at all times, as to avoid being traumatized by the horrors unfolding with this team. Along with saving him it would make a perfect sequel to Bird Box. (Eagles, Bird Box… the marketing writes itself. You can have that one for free, Netflix, but the next one is gonna cost you.)

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2. In light of the fact that I’ve already written at length about the issues with the Ravens’ offense, allow me to write at length about the issues with the Ravens’ offense once again. Not as lengthy though.

It’s fair to debate whether, this offseason, the Ravens should go after a receiver or a tight end among skill position needs. In 2020, more teams have chosen to play extra defensive backs (more speed) against the Ravens; when they traded Hayden Hurst to Atlanta last offseason, it took away the opportunity for those three-tight end alignments that forced opponents into more base looks (which means less speed and less overall talent, since everyone builds their roster with a nickel base in mind). For that reason, tight end as a first priority is reasonable.

But I’d like to show you Jackson’s last two interceptions. The first is a 9-route to Hollywood Brown, working one-on-one against J.C. Jackson in Foxboro, and the second is a late-in-the-down deep ball intended for Devin Duvernay against the Titans.

Neither of those are well-thrown balls—Jackson’s progress as a passer has been stunted this season. And we can talk about the wisdom of using Duvernay downfield, or testing J.C. Jackson with the undersized Brown. But the point is: Neither of those receivers even challenged for the ball on those plays. Now, close your eyes and imagine the outcome if the intended receiver on that play was DK Metcalf or DeAndre Hopkins or Chase Claypool or any one of the many size/speed threats who were available for a reasonable price the past two offseasons.

Miles Boykin was presumably the guy they brought in to fill that outside role, but he hasn’t panned out. So while Lamar Jackson has struggled throwing outside the numbers, he also doesn’t really have anyone to make life easy out there. And consider this: Since the beginning of last season, playoffs included, the Ravens have drawn a total of two defensive pass interference flags. No one schemes for pass-interference flags, but they’re a nice little bonus to bail out an offense every now and then. The Ravens have drawn six fewer than any other team in the NFL over the last two years.

A third tight end (assuming Nick Boyle returns) might allow Baltimore to recapture some of that 2019 magic, but if the Ravens believe Jackson can still expand his skillset as a passer (and they should believe that), his help needs to be in the form of a big receiver who can make those 50/50 balls into 70/30, instead of 30/70.

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3. One other thing about DK Metcalf: I get where he is coming from, what with Jim Schwartz telling him that after 20 career games he’s not yet on the level of Calvin Johnson, a surefire Hall of Famer and maybe the most physically gifted receiver the sport has ever seen. A colleague of mine once said I was not yet on the level of celebrated absurdist French writer Albert Camus, and I took that as motivation to write this column and also to punch him in the throat.

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4a. As a (the?) loyal reader of this column, you might think that the internet is exclusively a vehicle for my football-related jokes having to do with puke. Or poop. Or puking on poop. (Sorry you read that over breakfast.) But there’s actually, worldwide, a network of websites featuring all kinds of content. Dozens of them.

Often, those other websites are highlighted in automated link boxes at the bottom of articles (in this case, it’s “Taboola”). You know what I’m talking about, right? They usually promote stories that have something to do with tips for whiter teeth, or signs that your cat is telling you it’s sick (if your cat doesn’t talk), or listicles of “famous father and son duos” and it’s a picture of Michael Jordan and Michael B. Jordan, but you know they’re not related, so you write a 1600-word missive demanding a retraction, click on it to find the feedback email address and then it hits you that you got got.

But this is the one I get all the time, presumably because website have harnessed enough of my data to figure out I’m interested in football.

That’s a pretty standard clickbait link, but the photo is what doesn’t make sense. That’s Paul Posluszny—for those who don’t remember, he was the 34th overall pick, to the Bills, in 2007. He had four solid seasons in Buffalo and then was poached by the Jaguars, where he was a quality starter and made a Pro Bowl in 2013, then was a valuable player/mentor type later in his career. He had an enormous neck. Depending on how you look at it, his career was either good or very good, and he was quality value at his draft slot. No rational human could consider him a bust, let alone one of the biggest busts in NFL history.

But also, why am I being enticed with a Paul Posluszny photo? What combination of internet activity has resulted in this—do I really spend that much time reading about the Bills and Jaguars? (Because if it is based on my internet activity, I should be getting served with a lot more links about candy corn-based recipes and GoBots fan fiction.) Anyway, if you know please let me know, because I’m not going to click on the link.

4b. I clicked on the link and it turns out someone named Jeff Owens (who I pray is not using their real name) ranked 36 players considered the biggest busts in NFL draft history. (Because as we all know, there have been exactly 36 draft busts.) Brady Quinn is No. 1, which doesn’t make sense since he was a disappointment but objectively less so than JaMarcus Russell, who was the No. 1 overall pick that year. Clearly, he just forgot about Russell, but wait, no, Russell is No. 2. Kevin Kolb made the top 10? And yes, Paul Posluszny, according to this list, is the 19th-biggest bust in NFL draft history. The rationale is that Marshal Yanda was also selected later in that draft, but apparently was not an option for any team who held a top-33 pick.

Well, I clicked on the link that I knew was stupid and what I got was a stupid list, and now Sergey Brin has to send $3 to the Taboola people because that’s how the modern economy works. Next week I’ll be breaking down this Owens guy’s next listicle:

I bet he has, like, 9-volt batteries as No. 1 on the best list. Or the worst list. Whichever would make me more upset.

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5. Ladies and gentlemen . . . Elvis Costello and The Attractions!

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