Nick Mullens is a Fiat 500

My little red Fiat 500 was one hot tamale.

My little red Fiat 500 was one hot tamale.

I’d rip around town in that beauty with my heart sunglasses on, jammin’ out to some Jason Aldean with the windows rolled all the way down. No bad days.

I remember driving to my sister’s one day after receiving a 49ers decal in the mail. The tramp stamp for my new car. My brother-in-law helped me strategically place it on my back window—a subtle flex on all the Seahawks fans. Yes, I still lived in enemy territory at that time.

But I loved to show off my team. I was proud of the boys. Despite going 2-14 that season. Thanks, Chip.

Back to the Fiat: I named him Billy Jr. after my first car, Billy Bob Thornton. I was a huge fan of Bad Santa. So after having a boo-boo on the highway with Billy Bob, my dad found me the perfect baby version. Sadly, I only had Billy Jr. for two months before I crashed him into a cornfield.

Last night, Nick Mullens was Billy Jr.

Billy Bob was my favourite car. I had him for 8 years. He was a Saturn Astra. One day while driving to my job as a broadcast host for 604 Now, I rear-ended some lady on the highway after she came to a complete stop while everyone around her was going 100+ km/hour. I had no time to break. No matter what, I was going to hit her.

My precious Billy Bob exploded. Thankfully I was unscathed, aside from two burns on my arms from where the airbag deployed. Mentally, though, I was a mess.

That car accident was like the Super Bowl loss. And I guess my Saturn was Jimmy Garoppolo. He was reliable and basically saved my life. But in the big moments, he sometimes crumbled.

Enter the Fiat. The shiny cherry red that looks great on your lips, yet even better on your car. My Fiat was a stunner. Small, but feisty. Kind of like me. Definitely like what we saw out of Nick Mullens last week against the Giants. The Big Nick Energy (BNE) who sparked a frenzy of quarterback controversy clickbait.

Well, just like Nelly Furtado warned us when she questioned, “Why do all good things come to an end?” BNE was bound to fade.

I used to have severe depression. Post-traumatic stress. Anxiety. You name it. I’m surprised I left bed some days. Other days, I had to text my dad and make up some silly excuse.

“Daddy, I feel a little sick and weak. Could you come by and walk Rux for me?” I was too sad to take my Puggle dog, Ruxin, for his daily dose of vitamin D. I felt awful. Dad always came through, though. I never had the heart to tell him that I felt too worthless to leave my bed. I wasn’t eating properly. The only thing that went down easily those days was a big bottle of wine mixed with Tylenol 3s.

Most days, I didn’t want to wake up.

When dad helped me purchase that beautiful Fiat, I put on the happiest mask. I had been secretly dating the bad ex boyfriend. I was so stressed about the sneaking around and lying to my family, that I ended up getting shingles. A healthy 27-year-old should never get the shingles. I was sicker than I even realized.

So one night, after two glasses of wine and my shingles antibiotics, my friend called and asked me to come pick her up after her own battle with her toxic boyfriend, too. I didn’t hesitate. I felt fine. And part of me almost wished I’d just drive my car off the road.

That night, I did.

With my friend and dog packed into my little Fiat, I drove Billy Jr. off a 45-degree bend in the lane at nearly 120 kilometers an hour and straight into a cornfield. I missed a telephone pole by inches. I blew out the windows upon landing. Shortly after, a fire truck pulled up followed by an ambulance and a cop car.

Don’t worry, I didn’t get a DUI. Instead, I was slapped with an Immediate Roadside Prohibition. My car was a write-off. My license was suspended for three months. I had to figure out my life on transit. Living in Maple Ridge at the time and commuting to Vancouver proved to be very difficult.

My Big Crys Energy was completely depleted.

That cornfield was my rock bottom. And while I always wished for my reckless ways to finally catch up to me, I’m so glad that I somehow survived.

We all have bad days.

Even Mullens. I mean, let’s look at his stats last night: 18 for 26 including two early incomplete passes that raised a very big red flag for anyone watching our previously confident quarterback. He threw a touchdown. But he also threw two interceptions—one of them being a Pick 6.

That Pick 6 is what separates Mullens and Garoppolo. Like my Fiat flying through the air and into a cornfield, that little car made me feel on top of the world. Even just for two months. But the reality is, I could never replace Billy Bob. There’s only one Bad Santa and his name is Jimmy Garoppolo.

Prior to Garoppolo retreating to the locker room in the Massacre at MetLife game against the Jets, he was on track to at least utter the phrase “Feels great, baby!” to himself post game. He looked like the top stallion at the horse races. Garoppolo made 14 of 16 completions and two touchdowns. His passer rating was 140.4.

Now, I’ve been very vocal about Mullens being better than half the starters in the league. And last week, he was. I’m not taking those words back because frankly, I meant them when I said them. Despite Carson Wentz and the Eagles walking away with the W, I still think Mullens has the potential to be the better QB. For once, though, Big Nick Energy fell under pressure.

Jimmy Jawline was smiling underneath that mask. I’m sure of it. Big bro wasn’t going to just bow down and let Mullens take over. And let’s not forget, there’s a reason why Mullens was an UDFA. Sorry, not sorry.

I think Mullens needed this game just as much as all the Jimmy haters needed to witness it.

What have I been saying all along? Garoppolo needs to get his swag back. He needs his confidence to spike. He needs his own little red Fiat to feel great in, baby. Maybe the rise and fall of Big Nick Energy was just what the doctor ordered. Getting benched by Coach Kyle might be the humble pie we all needed to feast on. Especially the 49ers “Faithful” who had crowned Mullens the new king. However, being the king of New York is a pretty, pretty easy task—except for both teams in NY apparently.

My point is this: my Fiat was beautiful. But it wasn’t me. I much preferred my sleek Saturn. No matter how pretty that cherry red paint was, Billy Jr. could never replace my Billy Bob.

The same can be said about our quarterback controversy. You don’t really realize what you have until it’s gone. That’s a song I’ve sung many times, too.

I saw this familiar look in Mullens’ eyes when C.J. Beathard took over. He looked sad. He looked like he was about to call his dad to come walk his dog. I’ve been there. And yet, it’s those moments of sadness that build character and toughen us up. That game was an eye-opener for a lot of us; to not take a team like the Eagles and Carson Wentz too lightly. And to maybe, just maybe, put some respect on Jimmy Garoppolo’s name.

A part of me is happy the game ended in heartbreak, because from that pain comes the most growth. And you realize maybe it’s best to let go of the past and find a new way to smile.

I walked a lot during those three months without a car. One day, my ex didn’t want to drive me back to Maple Ridge. So I walked four hours from his place back to mine. It was 34° out that day. That’s super hot in Canada. I was sweating and crying. My dog, Rux, was sweating, too. When I got home, something just clicked. I knew I deserved so much better.

My next car was a Chevy Cruz. So of course I named him Victor. Victor Cruz always had the best touchdown celebrations. That dude could dance. He inspired me to find a way to do the same, but this time on my own.

No more wine bottles, no more self-destruction, and no more holding onto the things I couldn’t change.

Shake it off. Feel the loss. Rebound stronger.

Jimmy will rebound and he’ll make all the doubters see what I saw all along. Our QB1. I’m pumped Big Nick Energy made an appearance this year. He’s still better than half the starters in the NFL. He just hasn’t felt the weight of losing a championship game. He hasn’t felt the responsibility of a whole team for an entire season. He still needs to crash into a cornfield before he can be a star[ter].

The star Garoppolo will continue to be for the 49ers.

Hopefully next week, he’ll be ready to go, Spidey suit and all. However, in order to ensure his success rate is high, the following issues within the team must be resolved:

• The offensive line. Wow. Mike McGlinchey has the sweetest smile, but he couldn’t protect a kitten from an eagle. Pun intended. The O-line allowed a total of five sacks on the night. Ouch.

• Trent Williams needs a nap or a Red Bull before each game. Probably both. Williams was completely disheveled against Philadelphia.

• I’d say the refs, but the zebras actually helped us out with a handy lil timeout near the end of the game. Still, the 49ers had six penalties that cost them 42 yards. Those yards could have easily been another Kittle TD.

• Early touchdowns lead to elevated confidence. Get the ball to Kittle at all costs. Except on 2-point conversions. If you have a clear path to run the ball in, just do it! Yup, I’m looking at you C.J. Considering it was his first game back since 2018, I’ll let that one slide since he completed 14 of 19 for 138 yards.

• 3 down woes—the team converted on only 5-of-10 of their third down chances. A healthy Garoppolo led the NFL in third-down passing (65/130) in 2019. Protecting the pocket is key, though.

Kittle made a remarkable statement in his return to the gridiron. He grabbed 15 of 16 targets for 183 yards and a touchdown. It’s about time Kittle and Garoppolo get their shirt inception poppin’ again. If the best tight end in the NFL wore a t-shirt with my face on it, I’d walk around smug as heck for a month. Money can’t buy that kind of BDE.

And yes, I meant the D in that one.

By the way, my play of the day goes to Mr. Brandon Aiyuk, who scored his second NFL career touchdown last night. On third-and 7, he basically Air-Jordaned over Eagles Marcus Epps in one giant bound and scored a 38-yard TD. He won a gold in hurdling, no doubt. There’s so much room for growth with this group of players. Aiyuk is something special, though. Those arms will not be overthrown. And I bet Jimmy will realize that pretty darn quick.

Everyone, chill. The 49ers are 2-2. Half our team is banged up from head to toe—add Ziggy Ansah to the list—but once the boys come back as close to full strength as possible, then watch out. We needed at least one win in the two games without our real starting QB. And that’s exactly what we got.

Next week, it’s Jimmy G SZN (fingers crossed). All the offensive weapons are making their triumphant return. Just fix that damn O-line please. For the sake of Jimmy’s knees, we need McGlinchey to start playing like a first-rounder.

Alright, the Eagles may have just Any-Given-Sunday’d our ass. But the Fiat’s back in the garage for some much-needed repairs. It’s time for Victor Cruz to do his dance.

Now, who’s in the mood for some Bad Santa?