Airplane Mode

“You’re never leaving me. You’re signing a lifetime contract with me.”

“You’re never leaving me. You’re signing a lifetime contract with me.”

Nope, I’m not talking about my wedding vows. Your girl isn’t even engaged yet (thanks, 2020), so that’s not exactly the sentiment I’m referring to in the above quote. Before we unpack all the goodies, just know that these words were actually said to me on a daily basis.

And if you’re unfamiliar with abusive people who use control as a form of manipulation, then you, my friend, are one of the lucky ones.

I’ve been in a couple abusive relationships. One was an ex-boyfriend who nearly suffocated me with a pillow one night after he saw my Facebook search history had my high school boyfriend’s name at the top of it; another—and the most recent transaction—being my ex-boss at a “broadcasting company.”

If you couldn’t tell by the fancy little quotation marks, the company isn’t really a company at all. It’s a man who bought phoney bots on Twitter to make his following look tempting and legit. He then paid for a streaming service (like I do with StreamYard) to go live on Periscope and create the illusion that thousands of people are watching these “television shows” in order to lure girls in with the promise of a bright future in sports broadcasting. For a brief moment of my life, I was a total sucker and fell for it.

For months, I woke up to endless missed calls from my boss and his sidekick. The Batman and Robin of my nightmares. Well, one was a nice guy to me. He even worked with my dad back in the day.

The other harassed me every single day after connecting with me on Twitter. He begged me to quit my school program and come work for him. He promised me that Fox Sports would be looking at me on his channel. He told me I was going to be a star.

Let’s back it up, though.

Before all of this, he talked to me on the phone for three hours and told me his sob story—one that he never tells anyone (yet he actually told every girl the same thing to gain their sympathy and vulnerability). He told me he felt an instant chemistry with me and wanted to give me the world.

Who even is this guy? I thought.

He didn’t give up until I finally quit school and decided to take an internship with him. And that’s when things took an absolute turn for the worst. I started as a writer and quickly was promoted to the top writer of the website within my first week. My boss phoned me 3-4 times per day. I’d sit on the other end of conference calls with him, all the while the person he was talking to had no clue I was muted behind the scenes. He used to ask all of his male employees—ones I had done shows with—if they thought I was hot. Yup, I was on mute for that, too. He even talked to the president of my former school and would ask about me to try to get a quote out of the guy who I had previously admired, just to turn me off from ever going back to that college again.

“You’re going to waste another $20,000 at that school to get blackballed by him,” he’d drill in my head. “I can make you star for no money at all.”

I asked him a question that still stings me to this day, because he said it was that exact question which made me stand out amongst the Plain Jane’s in this world: “What’s in it for you?”

I didn’t trust the guy. Something in my gut told me this was the wrong path. But after quitting school, I had no choice except to give it a shot and try to make something happen for myself. Little did I know, each day ahead brought me right back to the abuse I had endured for five years of my life.

So believe me, my Spidey sense tingles when I’m near another abuser. I guess that’s one super power I gained out of all the pain. It’s my very, very small silver lining.

I don’t know what sparked me to write this all down today. Maybe it’s the guy in my mentions who said, and I quote, “As someone who’s watched more football than you simply because I’m older…” while debating with me about Jimmy Garoppolo. He also generalized that the lady Faithful only think Jimmy G is a good QB because he’s a smoke-show.

Okay, they don’t call him Jimmy GQ for nothin’.

But can’t a girl admire a quarterback for more than his handsome shell? Here’s the crazy thing about women who love Garoppolo: they love football more.

I never really understood manipulation until I lived through it for nearly five years of my life. When I heard the phrases, “You’re a dumb slut,” and “No one will ever love you again” every single day, something inside my brain just settled—because damn, I’m only human—and I surrendered to self doubt.

I used to cry myself to sleep so much; it was like my version of counting sheep.

That’s a heavy line. And I’m sorry—typical Canadian—to drop this A-bomb on your hump day. Abusive people suck. Until they somehow crawl back under the scummy rock they came from, I promise to use my voice and experience to protect others.

Now, I don’t mean to throw this company under the big #MeToo bus. But here’s the thing: if you don’t want a girl to call you out for sexism and sexual harassment, don’t be sexist and don’t sexually harass said girl. We live in a world where we can Tweet our thoughts out immediately. We can hide behind an avatar and say cruel things to each other. And for the most part, we get away with it.

Those people are complete cowards, though.

My old boss used to tell me to change my profile pictures. He made me delete photos and videos I had taken for fun. He even urged me to switch my Twitter handle name from @49ersCryssy to my full name. And trust me, my last name is a mouthful for some.

He wanted me to blend into the typical; work and produce his shows, while hopping on a few with him. We’d do a sports show together, but it wasn’t about sports at all. It became a show about me. He even once brought my family on a special birthday show for me just to feel closer to them all. He was slowly infiltrating my family and I willingly let him.

Did I mention nearly every day he told me to think of him as my boyfriend? He even told me to break up with my current boyfriend. And he said that he’s missing a girl like me in his life. He then drilled my head with the fact that him and I have good chemistry together, and obviously that means something.

The red flags really went up when he started to call me 20 times per day. He’d get his sidekick to call me if I didn’t pick up. If I didn’t answer his call, he’d text me crazy nonsense in all-caps. He’d tell me “I’m blowing this whole company up!” and then in the next moment, he’d say he had “big news” and make it seem like Fox Sports finally was offering me a sideline gig.

I was naïve, but I wasn’t stupid. My Spidey sense tingled again. Manipulation scars you for life. Thankfully, going through it once before made me hypersensitive to all the signs.

I struggle with anxiety sometimes to the point where I have to turn my phone on Airplane mode just to get through the day. The last week I worked for that horrible man, I had my phone on Airplane mode for three straight days. I couldn’t leave my bed. My mind shut down. I was so ready to give up on the dream.

Was all of this worth it? Do I really want to be a star at the expense of my own mental health?

I just wanted the nightmare to end. So after a good friend of mine quit that same company, the fog finally cleared and I saw that man for who he was: a complete fraud.

I walked away from the only thing I had going for me. Trust me, it was the scariest moment of my life because I had nothing to fall back on except a Journalism degree in a nearly paperless world.

My boyfriend and I went to Aruba to heal my broken soul; to do some searching at the bottom of a bottle while watching the sun set each night in such an effortlessly beautiful way. I didn’t have a job. I wasn’t in school. And I just learned we needed to move back home to Vancouver to be with our sick loved ones.

Life was heavier than ever.

Then a miracle happened: 49ers cornerback Emmanuel Moseley agreed to give me an interview over Zoom. Something clicked and I realized that I can do anything I want, and I didn’t need to put up with abuse in order to do it. I never needed that man and his company. Just to give you some context, his live broadcasts get 12 viewers.

One of my most recent live shows got over 4,600 unique viewers. That’s a humble brag, but I totally earned it.

If you believe in yourself, you will go farther than you can even imagine. After that Manny Fresh interview, my confidence came back with a vengeance. Just like George Kittle said it would. My #RevengeTour came in the form of one of my best friends, Big Face Kev.

With zero manipulation involved, Kev connected me with Grant Cohn, my current boss, and I felt what it means to truly have someone in your corner. The kicker? There’s no abuse or sexual harassment involved at all!

It is possible to write about sports without having to endure harassment in the workplace. Or in my case, every day over the phone. Just like it is possible to appreciate Jimmy Garoppolo as a quarterback based on factors outside of his dashing good looks.

If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that our time here is precious. We have 86,400 seconds each day to make it count—and that number is never guaranteed. Why would we ever want to spend those moments miserable at someone else’s gain?

We’ve had to endure a lot this year already and that is the biggest understatement of the century. The 49ers are now 5-7 after losing to the Buffalo Bills. Ironically, that same game is the one my old boss promised to send me to if I continued to work for him.

An endless web of lies.

Being Faithful doesn’t always mean sticking by the people on this planet who are bad for our health. The most important person we can be Faithful to is ourselves.

I promise, you are worth it.

My whole world changed when I interviewed Patrick Willis back in May. He told me, “You are the hero of your journey” and today, I felt those words on a deeper level.

Sometimes we feel stuck. Imagine how the 49ers felt the moment they were told they wouldn’t be playing at home for the next three games. Headlines dominated the media and painted a narrative that the team was homeless. Add Levi’s Stadium to the never-ending IR list now, too.

We lost to the Bills 34-24 at “home” in Arizona. Josh Allen is the real King of State Farm Stadium with 375 yards and four touchdowns. On the flip, little Nick Energy (Mullens) had three TDs of his own for 316 yards...paired with two silly interceptions sadly. Side note: did y’all see the flimsy 49ers banner pinned to the 49ers end zone? I had better signage at my childhood birthday parties.

The vibe was totally off and the exhaustion of this season was evident on the faces of most of San Francisco’s squad. Each week has presented new obstacles. It’s like we’re being harassed by the entire league and stuck in a really bad rut.

But we’re not really stuck.

Maybe the boys are on Airplane mode right now, too. They’re trying to get through the tough days as best as they can.

Kendrick Bourne had the biggest smile across his face after his touchdown during Monday’s primetime contest against the Bills. Even though the team was down by 10, he genuinely celebrated. That TD was called back sadly.

But KB was still smiling, though.

There’s hope on this team’s horizon. I see glimpses of it each game.

Jordan Reed is on the glow-up. Fred Warner is All-Pro, duh. And Jimmy G and Kittle had a certain fire in their eyes up in those bleachers. The chess pieces are all there; we just need a fresh start.

Heck, they probably need a little R&R in Aruba, too (hit me up if you need suggestions on where to stay, boys). The 49ers still have a lot of fight left in 'em—they just need to listen to Willis’ advice to be the damn heroes of their own journey. 

And who knows? Maybe they’ll find their version of Grant Cohn and finish the year off with the only win that matters.

Pure, genuine happiness.