Grant Cohn Was Frigging Right

A jocular adaptation of Casey at the Bat by Ernest Lawrence.

Author’s note: If you have time, read this first: https://poets.org/poem/casey-bat

The outlook was so brilliant for the 49ers that year

The draft had looked fantastic though the first pick came quite dear

And then when Jimmy flailed at first, and Shanahan did the same,

A pall-like silence fell upon the faithful patrons of the game.

A straggling few tweeted hard in deep despair. The rest

Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast;

They thought, "If only Trey could but get a whack at that—

We'd put up even money now, with Trey in the QB hat."

But Kyle prevented Trey, as did also Jimmy Garoppollo,

The former was a fickle genius, while the latter was an affable bro;

So upon that stricken multitude did grim melancholy attack,

For there seemed but little chance of No. 5 playing Quarterback.

But Jimmy always gets injured, to the wonderment of all glory,

And Grant, the much despisèd, tore the cover off the story;

But when they played the Texans, fans had a big surprise,

There was Jimmy on the sideline and we felt our hopes arise .

Then from fifty thousand throats and more there rose a lusty yell;

It rumbled through Silicon Valley, it rattled in the Santa Clara dell;

It pounded upon Mt Umanum and recoiled upon The Bay,

For Trey, mighty Trey, was the quarterback that day.

There was ease in Lance's manner as he stepped into his place;

There was pride in Lance's bearing and a smile lit Lance's face.

And up on high in the pressbox, Grant sent another tweet,

“Though the first half score was lowly, this QB looks complete!”

Six thousand eyes were on him as he did his Youtube show;

Earlier that morning Grant had predicted how it would go;

Then while the Tweetmob cried aloud with quips and likes,

Fury flashed in Lance's eye, as he threw a pick and they yelled “YIKES”.

And how the leather-covered ball came hurtling through the air,

And Kittle couldn’t catch it because a cornerback was there.

Closing in on halftime the Texans actually led—

"It’s Kyle and the playcalls," said Cohn. "Unleash The Kid" he said.

From the benches, red and gold with people, there went up a muffled roar,

Most of them remembered what Grant Cohn had said before;

"For Pete’s Sake Throw It Deeper" shouted someone in the stands;

And it's likely Shanny heard them or perhaps it’s what he’d planned.

With a smile presaging playoffs great Lances's visage shone;

Trey stilled the rising tumult; as he ascended to his throne;

He signaled to Mr. Deebo, and once more the dun sphere flew;

Deebo caught it for a score and Grant Cohn said, "I TOLD YOU!"

"You were RIGHT all frigging season" the gladdened thousands jawed

Just one Tweet from Iggy Cohn and the audience was awed.

They saw his face grow proud and fey, they saw his muscles strain,

And they knew that Grant would not let Kyle ever forget again.

The sneer is gone from Shanny's lip, his teeth are clenched in love,

His attitude in the presser fits the circumstances like a glove;

And now it’s Grant’s post game Reaction, and now he lets it go,

And now the air is shattered by the force of Grant's ego.

Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;

And somewhere peeps are laughing, and somewhere The Faithful shout,

There is much joy on Twitter—Grant Cohn was frigging right.