The 49ers are Winning the Super Bowl this Season

I’m strongly encouraging opposing teams and fan bases to pack it up now and try their luck again in 2023.

Yea, that’s right. I said it. No big whoop. The 49ers are winning the Super Bowl this season. The rest of the league might as well pack it up and head home now, because this thing is over before it even begins.

Well, jeez. This guy seems a bit arrogant. What exactly gives you the confidence to say that? 

Glad you asked. Let's discuss.

Forewarning before we proceed: If you are expecting me to ramble on about the 49ers stellar defense, the potential upgrade of Trey Lance at the quarterback position, their star head coach, and the numerous elite veterans on the roster as reasons as to why the 49ers will win it all this season, then you’re in the wrong place. Just close the page now because I'm not interested in all that trite nonsense. 

So why exactly are the 49ers going to win it all this year? Well, for one, I saw some folks over at The Athletic post some positive feedback on Twitter about the 49ers offseason moves and what they’ve seen so far during training camp, so that right there really has me giddy. I’m a sucker for believing those who break the mold of their normal tone and analysis, and if the fine folks over at The Athletic are feeling bullish, then who am I to doubt them?

Next off, did you hear that the 49ers addressed their special teams unit this offseason by signing Oren Burks? I haven’t been privy to learning so much about one special teams player since Kyle Williams was in town. I expect great things from special teams return man/kicker/punt block specialist Oren Burks and really think the 49ers have addressed all their roster holes in one just through this savvy signing. At least, that’s the most reasonable conclusion I can make given how few other moves the 49ers made during this offseason. In fact, I really question the audacity of any of you who believe that a team, which was minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, would push harder to target more key, talented free agents that could help push them over the edge; why bother, when you’re already a perfect team that just needed one Oren Burks to round yourselves out? Great work, Adam Peters (or if Oren stinks, then terrible job, John Lynch).

Thirdly, I was worried that the overhyped training camp player stories would die with the loss of Trent Taylor. There’s nothing that an offseason workout with Troy Polamalu can’t remedy however, and early congrats to Talanoa Hufanga for winning both the offensive and defensive MVP trophies this season. I mean seriously, what an offseason of glowing reports this guy has received! I’ve spent years believing everything I’ve read on the internet and I ain’t changing that approach now. Sorry for ever doubting you, Talanoa. I look forward to watching you live up to the hype by doing your best Ed Reed impression this season.

Next let’s do a quick breakdown of the 49ers biggest competition this season in the NFC West. The Seahawks have the janitor from the local bowling alley playing quarterback, the Cardinals also have a guy playing quarterback who just got done listing his high school accomplishments to a room of grown adults in order to defend the fact that his team wants to force him to study more, and the Rams are attempting to become the first team in nearly 20 years to win back-to-back Super Bowls with a coach and star player that were apparently both mulling over retirement before the season began and still haven't beaten the 49ers in the regular season since 2018. This'll be the cakiest cakewalk of a 6-0 division record you'll ever witness, with each game being an inconvenient detour on their way to becoming Super Bowl champs.

Lastly, I believe the 49ers are winning it all because of YOU. Yes, you the fans. The impact you all make by berating each other daily on Twitter, getting drunk and belligerent on Sunday and really just being the lovable group of degenerates that you are is really what I think pushes this team to reach their full potential. Who wouldn’t want to play their hearts out for this group of people? The keyboard mashing talents that the fans tirelessly, relentlessly and exhaustingly put in each and every day on social media is truly impressive and I’m hopeful that the players can become inspired to replicate that same level of dedication on the field. Go ahead and give yourselves a pat on the back in advance of Kyle Shanahan lifting that Lombardi Trophy; you deserve it.

Outside of David Lombardi’s optimism, Oren Burks, Talanoa HufanMVP, the inferiority of the completely irrelevant NFC West competition and the impact of 49ers fans, I can confidentially say there’s little else to address or analyze when arguing why the 49ers will win the Super Bowl this season. I’m strongly encouraging opposing teams and fan bases to pack it up now and try their luck again in 2023. So here's a hearty and genuine congratulations to the 49ers and their fans. I’ll see you all again next year for the repeat championship run.

Was that it? That was the article? These are the reasons the 49ers are going to win the Super Bowl? What a waste of my time. Terribly unfunny and non-insightful author... 

Kind of happy that he thinks the 49ers will win the Super Bowl though.