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The 49ers & The Great Slimebath at Lumen Field

When I was little, I wanted nothing more than to get slimed.

Crystal Scuor

When I was little, I wanted nothing more than to get slimed.

And not just your typical slime that can sometimes be too runny or yellow in colour. I dreamt of the green, oozy-goozy, Flubber-style (just not as flubby) pouring all over my head after getting a question horribly wrong on the show Uh Oh!

Side note: Wink Yahoo was totally my idol.

Growing up in the 90s had its perks. Some of us raised families of Tamagotchis. Others became Pog Stars. I, too, used to be a Pog Star. My prized possession Pog featured the face of Beavis from Beavis and Butthead, yet another television show gem from that blessed era.

Yes, I know all of the lyrics to “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys and you can bet your bottom dollar I was in love with Ryan Gosling after watching the first episode of Breaker High.

Nostalgia’s a funny thing.

When you’re feeling incredibly nostalgic, life just has a nicer vibe. As 49ers fans, we may have been screaming “Uh oh!” all season for entirely different reasons than being covered in slime during a kid’s show. And that’s okay. If Nickelodeon’s broadcast of the NFL Wild Card matchup between the Bears and Saints on Sunday taught me anything, it’s that getting slimed is as prestigious as scoring a touchdown.

Little Cryssy was clearly on to something.

Now, let’s be a crazy Twitter GM for a second and think super hypothetically: if we had Jimmy Jawline as quarterback for more than six games and he was actually healthy, he could have been the difference-maker in getting us to the playoffs. He finished with a 67.1 completion percentage in his six measly starts this year. Last season, he ended with 69.1% and played in all 16 games. We also ended up in the Super Bowl thanks to a healthy squad of offensive and defensive monsters. So that definitely helps, too.

Let’s say Jimmy Garoppolo started against the Eagles in prime time. Maybe he throws for 220 yards and two touchdowns, we win that game 27-25 instead, and things are looking up.

I’ll throw in another two wins against Washington and Dallas because with Jimmy, those are W’s, too.

And Week 17 against the Seahawks, ooof. I thought long and hard about that game…(that’s what she said). It only makes sense that with Garoppolo, we would have won that game, hands down. Especially if Robbie Gould played the way he usually does alongside his fearless quarterback. The team admires JG’s leadership and so of course we should respect their decision by accepting this narrative as one of the stronger points as to why he should stay on the team.

Not like the 49ers are 24-9 when Jimmy’s the starting QB or anything…

But reflecting strictly on the leader situation, I actually agree with some of the theories, especially the fact that an average quarterback can be a great leader.

I’m what most would say is an average person. I’m literally the average height and weight for a woman at my age. I had average grades in university, with the odd A and A+ sprinkled in there for sports journalism courses, of course.

Here’s the thing about us average folk: we’re humble and genuine, and when we speak, we always speak from the heart and soul. That’s a hard quality to find in a person these days. So many choose to tear others down in hopes of making their own miserable lives feel great again, baby! And truthfully, I wish I could be a shoulder to lean on for so many who might just need a little guidance of their own.

That’s kind of what this whole Jimmy thing is all about. Some of us may be average; however, even an average person can be an incredible leader. And that leader 100-percent makes a difference when they’re suited up for the big game.

After all that, let’s pretend the 49ers had a better season with Jimmy Garoppolo leading the way and winning just a few more games. Instead of the Rams heading to the playoffs, Niners finish the season 10-6 and play the Seahawks in the Wild Card divisional round.

This time around, the Slime Cannons are invited.

Since I’m feeling extra nostalgic, let’s add one more hypothetical to the mix: the 49ers have a fully healthy 2020 team out there instead of the backup to the backups.

Imagine if Nickelodeon—who’s an absolute genius for this quirky broadcast—featured a special slime cannon attached to Nick Bosa. Every single time Bosa sacks Mr. Unlimited, those little cannons shoot off like the 4th of July.

The game would forever be known as The Great Slimebath at Lumen Field.

I think I really missed seeing the 49ers out there yesterday. My nostalgia holds onto last year’s playoff run and wishes this year could somehow mimic the greatness of what once was. Reality check, though: “The longer you live in the past, the less future you have to enjoy.” Thank you Pinterest for the fabulous reminder.

We had a great team who did great things and made us feel great, baby. This year, we felt pretty poopy.

If those slime cannons taught me anything, it’s that something that is usually seen as a bad thing or something you want to avoid, could actually be somewhat of a prized-possession after all.

I haven’t thought about getting slimed in years. My younger self was far less jaded than the lady I’m supposed to be today. But Nickelodeon reminded me of the Uh Oh! days, when my brother and I would run home after school just to watch one of our favourite shows together.

We’d joke with each other:

“You’d get the question wrong and get slimed first, Crys!” my brother chirped.

That’s exactly what I want, I thought.

Those days were much simpler. We weren’t living through a pandemic then. We just lived our lives with each other and laughed at the misfortunes of other kids getting slimed on Canadian national television. Nothing a little bit of slime can’t fix.

I think we all needed a subtle reminder to look a life through the lens of a child again.

The other day, my friend Jose texted me something that kind of put it all in perspective for me. He said, “Life’s too short to stress the small stuff. I live my life through my kids eyes. Almost like a rebirth. What excites them drives me wild lol.”

Football may be a huge part of your life. Whether you’re a player, a parent with a child who plays, a coach, or a Twitter GM, football is family.

Compare football to the love you feel when you look at your kids. Or your nieces and nephews, even grandkids, too. Football is pretty small in whole scheme of things, don’t you think?

And remember, life’s too short to stress the small stuff.

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Crystal Scuor
CRYSTAL SCUOR

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