A Cynical Prediction Of Super Bowl LVIII

The depressing reality of Roger Goodell's Super Bowl events.

Super Bowl LVIII caps off the 2023-24 NFL season in somewhat predictable fashion. The San Francisco 49ers, 12-5 during the regular season, represent the NFC after being that conference's number one seed. They'll take on the Kansas City Chiefs, who emerged out of the AFC from the number three seed and an 11-6 regular season record. 

San Francisco is making their eighth Super Bowl appearance, tied with the Broncos, Cowboys, and Steelers for the second most in the league. They last appeared in the big game four years ago, a 31-20 loss to none other than the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LIV.

49ers Regular Season Rankings 

Total Offense = 2nd

• Points Scored = 3rd 

• Passing Yards = 4th

• Passing Touchdowns = 2nd

• Rushing Yards = 3rd 

• Rushing Touchdowns = 1st

Total Defense = 8th

• Points Allowed = 3rd

• vs. Pass = 14th 

• vs. Run = 3rd

Kansas City is making their sixth Super Bowl trip and fourth appearance in the last five years. The Chiefs, who defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LVII last season, are looking to become the NFL's ninth repeat champion.

Chiefs Regular Season Rankings 

Total Offense = 9th 

• Points Scored = 15th 

• Passing Yards = 6th 

• Rushing Yards = 19th 

Total Defense = 2nd 

• Points Allowed = 2nd

• vs. Pass = 4th

• vs. Run = 18th 

Feb 4, 2024; Las Vegas, NV, USA; A video display featuring images of San Francisco 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy and Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

So, who wins Super Bowl LVIII? The 49ers have been near the top of the league's power rankings most of the year, and with good reason. They are a physically dominant defensive unit that bludgeons opponents, with a highly diverse offense that can beat you in countless ways.

The Chiefs got here not with the explosive offense that we're used to seeing, but instead with a highly skilled defense that's been suffocating. However, their offense came alive down the stretch and still has QB Patrick Mahomes and TE Travis Kelce, two of the league's best players at their positions. 

Not that San Francisco lacks star power. Wideouts Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, RB Christian McCaffrey, TE George Kittle, LB Fred Warner, and DE Nick Bosa are also among the NFL's top players, with an emerging star in QB Brock Purdy. 

This matchup has been analyzed in nearly every aspect on the field. But let's be real, that's not the way to look at big games in the era of commissioner Roger Goodell. No, the outcomes are not scripted and certainly are not fixed. However, no sane person can look at an NFL game now and not feel like certain teams or certain players are heavily ''assisted'' in situations where officiating can tilt an outcome. 

The Goodell regime has made the NFL's biggest stage feel more like a WWE event. Therefore, predicting the winners of these contests feels like it comes down to ''Goodell's Best Storylines''. With that thought, here are four cynical story angles that could actually, and unfortunately, be a factor in determining this year's Super Bowl winner and make the WWE proud. 

1. A Family Affair 

San Francisco 49ers RB Christian McCaffrey on the left after the NFC Championship Game and on the right after father Ed and the Denver Broncos won Super Bowl XXXII. Credit: people.com 

Head coach Mike Shanahan, offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak, and WR Ed McCaffrey were instrumental in leading the Denver Broncos to consecutive Super Bowl titles in the late 1990s. A rookie named Brian Griese was a third-string quarterback on the second of those two championships.

Fast-forward 25 years. Mike's son Kyle Shanahan is the head coach of the 49ers, while Gary's sons Klint and Klay Kubiak are vital offensive assistants. Another assistant critical to the team's success is Brian Griese. Their attack is spearheaded by Ed's son, Offensive Player of the Year RB Christian McCaffrey. 

Family storylines have been the key to recent WWE events. We've seen this story play out in the NFL with the Harbaugh brothers when the Baltimore Ravens beat the 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII. Is it juicy enough to deserve a repeat headline for Goodell and the national media?

2. The Taylor Swift Factor 

Chiefs fans wave Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce cutouts at Arrowhead Stadium. © Sam Greene / USA TODAY NETWORK

People have wildly varying opinions on superstar artist Taylor Swift, her recent NFL fandom, and her relationship with Chiefs TE Travis Kelce. I don't see why people have a problem with her. Good for her, good luck to them as a couple, and it's exciting that she's gotten fans of her music more interested in the NFL when they otherwise might not be.

Even the countless times television cameras pan to Taylor Swift during a game isn't her fault. Blame the networks for that one. It's still better then the punishment that we have to endure from Tony Romo bludgeoning our ears.

Swift won two awards at the recent Grammys. She also used the ceremony to announce her upcoming album. What better way for further promotion, and to further incorporate the NFL into mainstream culture, than to perhaps drop a reminder during a Chiefs Super Bowl championship celebration with the world watching. For conspiracy theorists, this would further cement Goodell and the NFL villainy. 

3. Overcoming a Stigma 

Feb 7, 2024; San Francisco 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan speaks during a press conference before Super Bowl LVIII at Hilton Lake Las Vegas Resort and Spa. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

San Francisco was a true dynasty in the 1980s through the mid-1990s. Over a 13-year span between 1981 and 1994, the 49ers won five Super Bowls and played in four other conference title games. For older Saints fans, those teams remain entrenched in our nightmares. 

Kyle Shanahan has restored a level of greatness to this proud franchise. He's led the 49ers to the NFC Championship Game in four of the last five years, including his second Super Bowl. However, Shanahan and his teams have yet to win it all. Incredibly, this has led to criticism in some circles and doubt whether Shanahan is a championship-level coach.

Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid once dealt with the same stigmas. As coach of the Eagles, Reid led his teams to five NFC Championship Games, including a stretch of four straight. Yet, he managed to make it to only one Super Bowl, a loss.

On the verge of a third championship in five years and after breaking a long drought for the Chiefs, those criticisms of Reid are part of a forgotten past. The same would probably be true if Kyle Shanahan brought a sixth Lombardi Trophy to San Francisco. 

4. The Latest ''Greatest of All Time''

(insert eye-roll here)

Feb. 2, 2020; Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes (15) breaks away from pressure against the San Francisco 49ers during Super Bowl LIV. [ALLEN EYESTONE/The Palm Beach Post via Imagn Content Services, LLC

Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes is a terrific talent, no doubt. Mahomes and Reid could win their third title in five years, a great accomplishment and story in itself. However, there is an annoying thirst among a certain portion of the national media and fan base that the ''Greatest Ever'' must always be RIGHT NOW.

This makes for some fun debates perhaps, but the recency bias is also ridiculously disrespectful to past accomplishments that were at least as impressive, if not more so. The Goodell Regime and surrounding media are are especially guilty of this, constantly force-feeding the public the narratives of a new dynasty and a G.O.A.T.

San Francisco is the more complete team on both sides of the ball and should win this game. Yes, Kansas City is a hot team right now. But I think it's that final above narrative that wins this day. It's all about figuring out Goodell's favorite storyline in today's NFL, right? The WWE would be proud. Real fans of the game of football should be insulted and infuriated. 

Chiefs 31, 49ers 27