IOC's complete lack of transparency is no laughing matter

What would a press conference with the IOC sound like in the wake of Ryan Lochte and other Team USA swimmers being robbed at gunpoint? We take a tongue-in-cheek guess.

RIO DE JANEIRO – Greetings, and welcome to the 2016 Olympic Games! On behalf of the International Olympic Committee, and in the interest of complete transparency, I am happy to answer all of your questions.

Q. (redacted)

A. No, I do not smell sewage.

Q. (redacted)

A. Yes, I am aware of the reports that Mr. Ryan Lochte of the United States was robbed at gunpoint in Rio Sunday morning. Here is the full story: He was not robbed at gunpoint. I’m glad I cleared this up.

If anyone can unseat Usain Bolt at the Rio Olympics, it’s one of these men

Q. (redacted)

A. Yes, I know Mr. Lochte’s mother said he was robbed at gunpoint. Mothers. So silly, aren’t they? My own mother once thought she caught me collecting a bribe of beautiful unmarked bills of my favorite currency, when in fact—well, anyway, he was not robbed at gunpoint.

Q. (redacted)

A. Yes, I know Mr. Lochte also said he was robbed at gunpoint. Swimmers. So silly, aren’t they? This was all a big misunderstanding. One of our fine Olympians had just finished the shooting competition when he ran into Mr. Lochte at a gas station. The shooter wanted Mr. Lochte’s autograph. He reached into his pocket to get a pen, but as he did it, he had to put his rifle in his other hand, and –

Q. (redacted)

A. No, I don’t know why Mr. Lochte gave up his wallet, or why his fellow swimmers got down on the ground. I can only assume that, like the rest of our fine, drug-free Olympians, they are charitable fellows who enjoy doing push-ups.

Retirement waiting, Phelps settles for silver in final individual Olympic race

Q. (redacted)

A. No, Rio is completely safe. Completely. Just the other day, I happen to be in the same neighborhood where Mr. Lochte had his unfortunate pushup/charitable donation situation. And do you know what I saw, as I peeked out the window of my limousine? Hugging. Lots of hugging.

Q. (redacted)

A. Well, if any of those American swimmers were indeed scared for their lives, then we certainly feel bad about that. Perhaps this is a byproduct of growing up in America. I hear there is terrible crime there. Though I also hear Los Angeles is lovely, and will be completely crime-free by 2024.

Q. (redacted)

A. Nope. Still don’t smell sewage.

Q. (redacted)

A. Again, I cannot comment on the robbery at gunpoint, because as I said, there was no robbery at gunpoint. Anyway, isn’t Mr. Lochte a swimmer? The swimming competition is over. Out of respect for the other athletes, let’s move on.

Track and field athletes experience fickle side of Rio Olympics

Q. (redacted)

A. Yes, we are proud to have the Russians here. No, we did not give them any special treatment. Why would we do that? We investigated the situation rigorously, as we do with all of our doping cases. We don’t play favorites, and why we would we favor Russia? I have no connection to Russia. I don’t know any Russians. I don’t even like Russian dressing.

Q. (redacted)

A. Вы можете заплатить мне наличными.

Q. (redacted)

A. Whoops.

Q. (redacted)

A. Yes, I know the water in the diving pool and the water polo pool is green. I can’t say we intended for it to be green, by the classical definition of the word “intended,” but let’s keep in mind that one of the Olympic rings is green, and also, chemistry is not an exact science. Physics is also not an exact science. But do you know what is an exact science? Boxing! The sweet, exact science. And what a fantastic boxing competition we have had here in beautiful, crime-free Rio de Janeiro.

Q. (redacted)

A. No, I do not believe it is necessary for those divers to see a doctor immediately. But a little saline solution is both harmless and legal, according to our rigorous doping guidelines. Wow, are those guidelines rigorous. I mean, the rigor level, on a scale of 1 to 10, is an 11. An 11 out of 10 sounds illegal, doesn’t it? That’s why we drug-test our drug-testers. That is how rigorous we are.

Kenya finally wins marathon Olympic gold as U.S. runners all finish in top 10 in Rio

Q. (redacted)

A. No, I do not believe anybody on the Kenyan track team is doping. Sure, I read that nutty report about the Kenyan coach who posed as a runner to give a fake doping sample, but after investigating that situation rigorously, we determined that he was just confirming that our testing is rigorous enough.

Q. (redacted)

A. I really think you should have your nose checked.

Q. (redacted)

A. Oh, yes. I think we can all agree that these Games have been an unqualified success.

Sure, Brazil spent a few billion dollars to host a two-week sporting event at a time when the economy is in crisis and the government is in turmoil and a dangerous virus is spreading among its citizens, and the positive economic impact is murky at best and the money probably could have been better spent in roughly 400,000 different ways, but in the big picture … I seem to have lost my train of thought. Where was I? Oh, right: Rio. Gosh, I love Rio. What a delightfully safe and unscented city. Enjoy the Games, everybody!