Baldur’s Gate 3 is way too horny

Baldur's Gate 3's sexualized cast is definitely catering to somebody, but it's not me

What Larian Studios has done with the marketing for Baldur’s Gate 3 has been a masterstroke. Let’s ignore the early access success story for a moment, and zone in on what people have actually been talking about: bear coitus. Scenes of the player-created protagonist getting saucy with a druid, only for that druid to transform into a bear, lit the internet on fire, and even people that have no idea what a CRPG is (can’t blame them) were asking me about the game.

Truly, they knew what people wanted, and the people ate it up, giving the game 814k concurrent players at peak on Steam, making it the eighth most popular game ever on the platform in terms of concurrent players. That means Steam players have been playing more Baldur’s Gate 3 than Team Fortress 2 or GTA 5 in the last 30 days, despite the game only being out for a week. It’s a phenomenon, and the marketing push that unveiled these saucy scenes certainly helped push this game to become a major success.

But that bear scene is indicative of something pervasive throughout the entirety of Baldur’s Gate 3: horny characters. Right, listen, I don’t mean to sound like an old fud, but BG3 heavily implies that every character in the world is DTF as long as you manage to find yourselves alone at camp. A majority of the characters that have visited my camp or joined my party have essentially thrown themselves at me and, while I’m flattered: no.

Grabbing that hand is just the first step to the bone zone / Larian Studios

Gale, I thought it was very pretty and mystical when you showed me your grasp of the weave, but you also spent a significant amount of time talking about your ex, the goddess of magic. Why, days before your own demise, would you decide to profess your love to me and ask if I was ready to go? My dude: no. You have, like, made this friendship permanently awkward. You are not leaving camp again.

That’s not to say I’m against a good old RPG relationship. It’s always a primary goal of mine in a game like Story of Seasons, and even now in BG3 I’m romancing Shadowheart. I just like goth girls, okay? But it wasn’t appreciated that, when I’d chosen Shadowheart, Lae’zel went on a jealous rant and Gale got all moody with me. Do they want a party or a polycule?

Baldur’s Gate 3 reminds me heavily of Dragon Age: Origins – probably because I haven’t played the other BG games, and DAO is what BioWare made following BG – and that’s nothing but a good thing, as I adore that game. As you play and get to know the cast of characters there they very slowly and gently open up to you, in a way that makes each line of dialogue you glean from them feel special. When you finally have a character like Morrigan open up to you, and perhaps even enter a relationship with you, it feels like the result of everything you’d been through together, in and out of battle.

Shadowheart has my heart / Larian Studios

I was patient with Gale when he told us about his magic sickness — I was kind and even gifted items — but ultimately it’s because he was a decent wizard when I had few allies. I didn’t want to get him into bed. Likewise, I saved Halsin the druid from the goblin lair because, again, I needed all the help I could get in order to kill the three goblin leaders. When he propositioned me during the post-battle celebrations I was a bit taken back. Is that all it takes? Men, am I right?

It’s certainly true that BioWare relationships became a bigger selling point over time – Mass Effect definitely leaned into the idea of alien intercourse being a selling point as the series progressed – and it even managed to help inspire fanbases for games like Dragon Age II, which is not a good game, but it does have pretty good characters. Over time a fanbase was formed that was a bit more interested in the social and relationship aspect of these games than the RPG bits. Shin Megami Tensei fans know this story too well after the success of Persona.

What I’m getting at, is that it feels that this hyper-sexualized aspect of these RPGs feels not only par for the course, but almost necessary now. I look at my Twitter (X?) feed and see images of people’s naked characters, genitalia laid bare, and naked troubadours playing instruments in evil castles. It’s definitely marketable, shareable content, but it’s not what I’m here for – I didn’t even look at my naked character when I created it, because I usually just pick a race I like and hammer the random button until I’m happy. What’s down there? I may never know.

Five minutes into Long Rest and he gives you this look / Larian Studios

This is an expected part of these games now, a borderline requirement, and it’s just not what I’m here for. Sorry, I’m in my 30s and have internet access, if I want to witness nakedness believe me I can. I wouldn’t get caught dead posting pics of my naked party on social media, tittering about Astarion’s abs or whatever – I’m assuming he has abs, I wouldn’t know, I killed him because he was a bit of a toff.

I understand why those social-oriented fans want these relationship options in the game, and I certainly don’t want them removed, but I also want these moments to feel like a reward, not just a predictable point over the course of the game. Luckily, Baldur’s Gate 3 does everything else so right that I can’t bring myself to stop playing. In fact, I might go back now, see how Shadowheart is doing.