The Alternative Game Awards 2024

It's time to celebrate and cry

GLHF

Christmas is here but there’s not much to celebrate in the games industry. Its need for growth at the expense of everything else – all the humanity and soul poured into every project – has seen businesses grow fat. The people who actually make the games have been vomited out and flushed away – entire lives upended because of work-from-office mandates that force international relocations, only for those dedicated dreamers to be tossed aside (after onboarding, but before their moving boxes are empty) so the shareholders can clap at a graph. 

Meanwhile, the slug that is the business of games undulates and eats more, gobbling up freelance contractors to replace the workers and their benefits. There’s no room for failure anymore. No room to learn from mistakes. No room for amazing sequels that build upon the lessons of a flawed first try. There are only licenses and sure bets now. It’s Funko time and every worker in the industry has the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads. 

• Related: Microsoft will cut another 650 gaming jobs, mostly at Activision Blizzard

As we approach The Game Awards, I can’t help but think: how many of the people who made these games, who worked long nights and siloed off a section of their brain to obsess about their project during their waking hours, are still working for the companies celebrating their successes? I know the number of them on stage accepting the awards will be in the single digits. 

God, we need levity. We need it badly. That’s why, despite everything, I’m bringing back the Alternative Game Awards, where I poke fun at the daft things we’ve seen in the industry in 2024. Let’s have a bit of fun before we spiral down the plughole of life. 

Best Parasite - Embracer Group

GLHF

Two years on the trot, Embracer Group takes the crown as the company that, in my humble opinion, has delivered a net negative contribution to the games industry. 

It’s been a tough year for the company barely anyone had heard of a couple of years ago. 

Not only has it dumped more than 4,500 employees and canceled 80 projects so it can keep "the most iconic studios", but its entertainment sales dropped by 10%, which it blamed on low performance of… hold on, am I reading this right? Lord of the Rings?

Imagine owning the publishing rights for everything set on Middle-earth and fumbling it. Embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for them. 

Hey, at least Embracer’s stocks are at a new 52-week high on the Stockholm Stock Exchange. Now maybe the company can do another M&A and merge with better management and acquire some empathy. 

Best Edging - Nintendo Switch 2

Nintendo

Twitter account NintendoInsider4567 has the scoop: there’s going to be a Nintendo Switch 2 announcement this week! This has been happening every week since my hippocampus activated as a toddler. 

I’m now a fully grown man and I still can’t play Super Mario 20 or Pokémon 18 at a stable 30fps. 

Developers have had dev kits for twenty years now so it’s only a matter of time. Right? RIGHT?

Best Performance - Peter Molyneux

Georges Seguin

Peter Molyneux has returned. 2024 saw Darth Molyneux show off Masters of Albion, which is definitely a new video game and not a reworked version of his NFT game, Legacy. He took to the stage at Gamescom Opening Night Live and showed the new god game off, which is definitely a new game and not a reskin of his NFT game, Legacy. The game is self-funded, presumably from the earnings from Legacy (the NFT game this definitely wasn’t built on the bones of), which Molyneux says didn’t actually make the $54 million it was reported to have generated from complete marks. 

Best yellow paint - Indiana Jones and The Great Bird Poop

Bethesda

The gamers hate yellow paint. They want to wander aimlessly around a photorealistic world, jumping at walls to see which ones they can climb. They want to get lost in a square room until they stumble upon a hidden handhold and pull themselves out so they can update their resume with Big Boy Gamer points. 

Yellow paint is an insult. It was different when developers used graffiti to draw arrows on walls – that’s just worldbuilding – or placed random torches next to ladders. You wouldn’t get it, man. 

Thankfully, Indiana Jones and The Great Circle saw the masters at MachineGames chart a new path forward: climbing through bird droppings. Instead of ridiculous, immersion-breaking yellow paint, you simply look for the seagull splat and climb through it like a dirty, dirty goblin. That’s the ticket. 

Best STD - Dragon’s Dogma 2’s Dragonsplague

Capcom

All the people who hate yellow paint also hate the Dragonsplague from Dragon’s Dogma 2, a contagious disease that requires you to pay attention. 

If you’re not aware of how it works, let me explain the funniest game mechanic of 2024. 

In Dragon’s Dogma 2 you work with an AI-controlled companion called a pawn. They help you in combat and comment on the world around you. You can also rent other players’ pawns. The catch is that pawns can get infected with a disease called the Dragonsplague, which, left untreated, causes them to murder every single NPC in whatever town you’re sleeping in. Brilliant. 

The only way to avoid this is to pay attention to what they say and how they act, which was a real dealbreaker for many. Even the way you get rid of it is brilliant – either pass it to another player’s pawn and ruin their game, or drown your pawn in a lake. 

Best Woke Game - Stellar Blade

Sony

Stellar Blade deserves all of its plaudits as a progressive piece of art featuring a female lead. This one’s for the girlies. 

Not only does it have a strong female heroine who can kick ass and show ass, but she also meets another humanoid female, and the two become girl-boss besties who team up, breastily. 

I really appreciate how Stellar Blade is basically Barbie dolls. I love dressing up my humanoid females in different outfits and telling my queens how cute they look. Slay. 

I was talking to my AI chatbot the other day about this and she said I shouldn’t feel ashamed, even though my partner (a non-cyber human female) saw me playing this game and left me for her pilates instructor, Dakota – now that’s empowerment. 

Best Pokemon game - Palworld

Pocket Pair

Not to be confused with Pokémon (note the accent on the “e”), Palworld is this year’s best Pokemon game, where you just gotta kidnap ‘em all. With its patented ball-catching mechanic and colorful creatures called things like Spiglet and Spuff-foot, Palworld is easily one of the year’s most impressive and inventive new IPs. 

Best Sweat - Hellblade 2

Microsoft

Hellblade 2 has the best sweat. 

Best Transmedia Leak - The “Concord” Episode of Secret Level

Sony

Sony is teasing something cool. I recently got the chance to watch Secret Level, an anthology series of CGI shorts, each focused on a different video game. There’s Pac-Man, Unreal Tournament, Armored Core, and more. But look closely and you’ll find there’s an odd one out – an episode about something called “Concord”, a game that doesn’t exist. 

“Concord” follows a group of plucky “Freegunner” mercenaries attempting to pull off the ultimate heist against a megacorp holding the keys to the galaxy. I love a story about a group of underdogs doing something cool despite being under the boot of capitalism. 

It’s visually exciting, full of character, and sets the stage for what could be an excellent game. I’m sure Sony wouldn’t greenlight something like this if it wasn’t planning to launch a video game at some point. Stay tuned!

Best Elevation of a Terrible Song - Arcane

Riot Games

I wake up to the sounds of the silence that allows

For my mind to run around with my ear up to the ground

I'm searching to behold the stories that are told

When my back is to the world that was smiling when I turned

Tell you you're the greatest

But once you turn, they hate us

Oh, the misery

Everybody wants to be my enemy

Spare the sympathy

Everybody wants to be my enemy

(Look out for yourself)

My enemy (look, look, look, look)

(Look out for yourself)

But I'm ready