Goat Simulator Remastered review – a nine-year-old's verdict

Some things just aren’t meant for you, and that’s fine.

Goat Simulator: Remastered / Coffee Stain Studios

A few weeks ago, my nine-year-old came into the living room, shoved the iPad in my face, and said, “Watch this.” It was a video of a chicken nugget with a human face singing a garbled rendition of Cotton Eye Joe.

At the tender age of 37, there are some things I will never fully understand the appeal of—Quentin Tarantino’s sole interest, fishing, Garten of Banban, why kids take photos of half their face these days. I’m either too normal, young, or old. 

Some things just aren’t meant for you, and that’s fine. 

Goat Simulator is one of those things. 

Goat Simulator: Remastered / Coffee Stain Studios

I kind of understand the appeal of Goat Simulator as a kid-friendly GTA. You run around and cause havoc, ruining NPCs’ lives with headbutts and tongue licks, ragdolling around, and making things go boom. But still, it’s not for me. 

Ahead of its time in many ways, Goat Simulator is a game for the Skibidi Toilet generation. 

So when Goat Simulator Remastered landed in my email inbox this week, there was only one person for the job, and he was sitting next to me laughing at a 3D model of a rotating fish. 

“Do you want to review Goat Sim Remastered?” I asked him. 

“Really?”

“Yeah.” 

“Yeah, Goat Simulator is goated.” 

It’s going to be a long week. 

Goat Simulator: Remastered / Coffee Stain Studios

Here are some things my child, whose brain has been ruined by YouTube, enjoyed about the remaster. 

There’s a section of the first map where you can come across a group of revelers dancing near Deadmau5, the Canadian music producer and DJ. Both my kids referred to this song as “Wakwerik” because it goes “wakwerik, wakwerik, wakwerik” over and over again. Wakwerik is dead now. 

“The Deadmau5 music is different but it’s still a bop,” he tells me before licking a guy on the backside and dragging him off a roof. 

“In the party zone, there’s a toaster and if you headbutt it, it spits out toast and the toast tries to run away. Chase it down, lick it, and put it back in the toaster and you get the I Am Bread mutator. It’s funny because you’re the bread and you roll instead of walking.” 

Goat Simulator: Remastered / Coffee Stain Studios

Goat Simulator Remastered comes with a range of new goats, mutators, and all the DLC. “Waste of Space is the best because you get to go into space,” my kid says. As for the best mutator: “I Am Baguette is the best new mutator because it’s got French stuff on and it’s really funny. It’s got a French hat and mustache since baguettes are from France.” 

We’re all learning about culture here. 

Read more: Goat Simulator: Remastered preview – buggier than ever in the best possible way

So what’s the remaster all about? Updated graphics, of course, which my brain-poisoned son says is a highlight. “The graphics are amazing,” he says. “Pilgor looks more detailed, but her old model is still nostalgic. I like Goat City Bay because the new sunset looks really nice.

“I accidentally hit a gas canister and it sent me flying.” 

So, what score would he give it? 

10/10 because it’s a good game. 

Thanks.