'Disaster in Dallas!' Cowboys Maybe NFL's Worst Team, Predicts ESPN Computer

ESPN's FPI is not confident in the Dallas Cowboys in 2023, predicting a "disaster'' of truly epic proportions.

Using the sometimes-wonderful, sometimes-calamitous invention of technology, ESPN has run 20,000 simulations of the 2023 NFL season. Sounds like fun!

Unfortunately for Dallas Cowboys fans, scenario No. 3,818 - which is the one that writer Seth Walder made public - does not end well for the Cowboys. 

He labels it, in short, "Disaster in Dallas.''

For those not familiar with ESPN's FPI, it allows for the simulation of every game projecting winners, losers, scores and factors in every possible scenario. 

In this particular scenario, the Cowboys come off as anemic on offense, losing their first two games of the season, while barley beating the consensus worst team in the league in the Arizona Cardinals by a score of 16-10. 

The projection views that as their only win in their first six games, and it doesn't get much better after.

"Things only got worse,'' ESPN wrote of its ongoing simulation. "The Cowboys slid again and all long shot hopes of a late playoff run were dashed. Maybe the new additions didn't click? ... A Dak Prescott injury, and it's not out of the question for things to go off the rails if another key injury happened. ... Dallas underperformed, and after a 30-13 loss to the Bills in Week 15, it's very easy to see Cowboys team owner Jerry Jones firing Mike McCarthy with defensive coordinator Dan Quinn taking over ..."

There is ... a lot to unpack there. The Cowboys are going to lose a bunch of games in which they're favorites? Good players who've "clicked'' all spring and summer suddenly do not? A machine is predicting a Prescott injury? And a machine is predicting the in-season firing of the head coach?

We're not sure how logical any of this is, or how "scientific.'' A computer can only analyze the info it's been fed, right? So who's doing the feeding here?

Indeed, here's now completely horrendous this scenario is for the Cowboys. They slip to the NFL basement with a hurt QB and an interim coach ... and just when one assumes that, "Hey, at least we'll have the No. 1 overall pick to draft USC quarterback Caleb Williams!'' ... nope.

In this model, Dallas does so poorly that it ends up getting the No. 2 overall draft pick. ... but yet likely one pick too late to draft "the next Patrick Mahomes.''